Momma's Piece of the Puzzle

Blog no more

2011-09-04T17:27:00.000-04:00

I am discontinuing this blog. Maybe one day I'll get around to writing again.

Rescued

2011-03-07T08:57:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a BAD day, horrible for reasons I am not going to get into right now. I managed to get by but nothing was going to make me laugh, that's for sure. Then, Kaya returned home from her Dad's and proved me wrong.

Kaya and I were brushing our teeth before bed. Our bathroom is next to the cat boxes. Our roommate Sheila has a dog named Ozzie who, from time to time, gets into the litter boxes (ew!). As Kaya and I were getting ready to brush our teeth, she said to me "We should label the cat boxes with Raz & Sassy's names so that way Ozzie will stay out." I laughed and asked if she thought the animals could read. She replied, "Yes, they read!!" to which I responded with more laughter. At this point, Kaya exasperatedly states, "Cats and dogs can read. Animals can read!" I see how serious she is and respond with, "You're right. Animals can read - we're animals and we can read. I must admit tho that I haven't seen cats and dogs reading books." This was it. I had pushed her over the edge. She placed her hands on her hips, rolled her eyes, and said, "Of COURSE they don't read books - they don't have opposable thumbs! They read LABELS!"

Giving Thanks

2011-03-03T10:03:00.010-05:00

I want to write and acknowledge how damn fortunate and lucky I am. Back in 2000, I was working for Eagle Electric. One of the jobs that I spent a whole lot of time on was a custom multi-million dollar home on the Lynnhaven River in VB. I came into the job as it was transitioning from roughing in to trimming out. I worked on the job until it was done. As a result, I got to see the family move in with all of their opulent art and furniture in place. The house itself was a work of art and gorgeous but all of the things weren't captivating to me. The land captivated me. There was something to the energy of the place that I could never shake. The job ended for me in early spring 2001 yet I continued to dream of that house and that land for years to follow. At least two to three times a year, for the last ten years, I would dream that I was back at the house and a part of that land.
Imagine my surprise last June when a friend of mine invited me to help a friend of hers with a landscaping job at the same house. I shared my story about the house with her and accepted the offer to earn some money. This was only about a month after my husband had left the children and me. I was freaking out over what I was going to do to make ends meet. I was beyond grateful to get out there and earn extra money. The homeowner recognized me when I arrived to work. He and I talked about where life had taken me in the years that followed. I explained how I went from doing electrical work to earning a biochemistry degree from Virginia Tech to working in the eye and tissue donation industry to being a stay home homeschooling mom. I also explained to him that my future was uncertain as my husband had just left and I wasn't sure what I was going to do in the months to come. I worked out there a few times in June and then was invited back to work in July. This time the homeowner asked if I could work for him directly. After two months of a lot of stuff that I am not going to get into here, I began working about 16 hours a week for this family.
My mother made a tongue in cheek comment at the time that maybe they'd adopt me. In many respects, that's exactly what they did. They have 10 acres of manicured gardens - WAY too much for me to maintain by myself in 16 hours. It is enough to keep two people busy for at least 40 hours a week nine months out of the year. The homeowner's recently told me this: "We like you and we like what you do. If we're helping you accomplish your parenting goals by minimally employing you here, then we are happy to keep you working". I honestly don't know how I would have made it through the last six months if this family hadn't given me the work. One thing is certain: we would have had to go back to a more mainstream way of life. I more than likely would have had to put the kids back into public school. I cannot even begin to express how grateful I have been for this opportunity.

One little section of the land...

FaceBook: Cause & Solution to All of Our Problems

2011-02-09T23:15:00.002-05:00

I have a burning desire to erase all of my content off of my facebook page and deactivate my account. For serious. Just be done with it. I like life. I like living life in REAL life. I feel like I could accomplish so much more if it were gone.

On the other hand...
I have so many people that I keep in touch with via facebook. FB becomes this pseudo connection for me with others, especially when I feel isolated during the winter. It's also how I keep on top of what's going on in a variety of movements and know when I need to help spread the word on pending issues.

Maybe I should just get rid of this profile and create one with the sole purpose of staying in touch with other activists ( especially my network here in VA). Hmmm... decisions, decisions.

WordPress: should I?

2011-02-07T09:58:00.003-05:00

I've noticed that most blogs I read and follow are published through WordPress, which has me wondering... am I missing something? Is it a better tool than Blogger? What advantages exist that I am unaware of? It appears to me that Blogger is very user friendly whereas I can't seem to even find the option to develop a blog template on my WordPress account. So, to my friends who use WordPress over Blogger: what is it that you like about it? Please educate me =)

Killer Coke House

2011-02-04T07:42:00.003-05:00

My home has become a collective house in the last two weeks. This part of our journey began back in September. The separation papers were finally signed and I knew I needed a roommate to be able to make the rent without going back to work full time. My good friend Susan suggested her friend Sheila. It was a match & Sheila moved in. A few months later, my friend (& kids' babysitter) needed a place. Sheila, the kids and I agreed that Becca could move into the sun room and she joined us the last week of January. We had our first house meal/meeting a week ago yesterday.
Us adults share the same world view. We believe in mutual aid, sharing our resources, and sharing in the household chores. We have lots of political posters and pamphlets around our house. One poster hanging is this one:

We also believe in allowing the kids to have a voice in the process. The five of us were bantering back and forth over what our house name should be during dinner the other night. We asked the kids for their input. Kaya energetically exclaimed, "I think we should call us the Killer Coke house!" We all busted out laughing and decided NOT to opt for that name - can't imagine how long before the DEA would come knocking ;-) In the meantime, the brain storming continues...

How To Be Alone

2011-01-30T22:30:00.001-05:00

I figure after that wretched post this morning, I should follow up with something on a more positive note. Great, inspirational video =)

Sexting or Disrespect ?

2011-01-30T10:36:00.006-05:00

I have a male acquaintance who I've been getting to know since October. We connect really well on a mental level. I find him attractive. So what's the issue? We don't share the same core values. He is a fervent capitalist. I'm not. He sees women as objects to fulfill his sexual desires. I see people for who they are - people. We talked about this last week. I have shared with him in the last few months my philosophy on clean love and honest seduction. He read the links then completely dismissed me. I brought it up again during our discussion. He dismissed me again. I told him that, although I love our conversations and find him attractive, I am not interested in taking our relationship any further. I can't connect on a physical level with someone who I don't feel respects my beliefs nor respect me for who I am. I didn't really get a response from him before he had to leave.

Now, this morning I received the following picture from him via text message:

NOTE: I removed the picture. This gives you an idea though...
This picture text came to me with no worded message. This is the first time he's contacted me since our conversation. I felt so disrespected when I opened this. This text message just validates my reasons for not getting involved with him. I know I'll laugh in a day or so, but for now I'm off to clean away my exasperation.

Transparency...

2011-01-26T13:20:00.003-05:00

...feels good to me. What can I say? I find comfort in truth and clarity. Unfortunately, I am carrying a heavy weight that I have been asked not to share with others. I am filled with doubt and mistrust towards this person since they disclosed their situation to me (and promptly swore me to secrecy). I am not sure how to proceed and don't feel like I can really process it with anyone. I'm feeling rather overwhelmed and resentful at the moment. I don't feel certain in my next steps and I don't enjoy this feeling of impending darkness that seems to be lurking over me now.

Light & Dark

2011-01-12T22:40:00.002-05:00

I was laying in bed with my daughter while she fell asleep tonight. I decided to dig into my old poetry more. I found two to share, one light and the other dark.
Here ya go....

Sage

old, magnificent
historic scents
through wintry blasts
or thunderous storms
still you have stood
so complex yet so simple
carrying the wisdom of generations

When the sun warms your rough texture
seeping into the cracks
engulfing the green
swelling your essence with life and warmth
a gaze in your direction
is all one needs
to feel at peace
energy of the ancients
radiate from your core
enigma abounds
what has blessed us with your beauty?

Dark

its presence blinds me
I protectively cover my face with my arms
squinting my eyes
I realize
the light is warm...

gentle...

calling my name
Slowly
lowering my arms
I bow my head
taking in the warmth

Engulfing
covering my body like a cocoon
I place my foot forward...
gently...
carefully...
treading where I never before dared to wander
I feel safe.

Suddenly
something is snapping at my back
at the backs of my ankles...
at the back of my mind

I turn
looking behind me
my safety is shattered
Darkness is surrounding me
bitter cold brushing my skin
phallic monsters begin to chase me
voices
Oh please save me from this hell
Will you cry when I die?
No.
Don't tell anybody....
Yes, I'll be there
Sorry I didn't show
Don't call me, Don't write me
NO! I don't want to!!

I stop running.

I remember

that is all behind me
I turn
It is calling me...
the light...
the safety...
the security...
Its presence blinds me no longer

Empower the Children

2011-01-11T13:24:00.007-05:00

I've had a lot of feelings come up in the last week surrounding my children and how they are treated by various people in our lives. It has reminded me of this poem that I wrote in 1998. It's intensely personal yet I feel like I need to share it.

hello?
Hell-O?!
doesn't ANYBODY hear me?
you know, I may be short but I'm still here!
Remember me - the child you brought into the world?
why is it that nobody hears my voice?
"Children are meant to be seen, not heard."
I'm no less human because I am a child.

I think about things....
I wonder...
What if this is all a dream and I'm not even human - I'm a part of a different species.
I hope...
that my mom will leave Frank or that my Dad will come and rescue me.
I love...
my sister (protector) , my dog.
I fear...
crying myself to sleep, imagining living with Frank if my mother died.

See?
I have feelings too.
Please!
Just take the time to get to me know me,
the child.
Help give me a voice.

Believe in me,
Believe in the children.
Give us plenty of love,
Hug us,
Praise us
ask us about our feelings
This is all we need.
"Empower the children,
Empower the future"

Written for ALL children who are meant to be seen AND heard.

Don't Burst My Bubble

2010-12-20T21:06:00.003-05:00

My friend gave me the following mantra to repeat to myself when I feel like I am being sucked into other people's negativity:

I am surrounded by a barrier of positive energy, through which only positive energy may enter. If I am confronted by negative energy, it will NOT affect me. It will pass through and exit in a positive way.

This lunar cycle has been nothing but one huge challenge to this mantra. It feels like hell has been building since the new moon: an ugly altercation with someone I consider to be a close friend, childhood fears/insecurities coming to the surface, and the ever constant struggle of dealing with my ex's ups and downs. I can hear my grandma in my head, "That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". I feel like I should be a demi goddess by this point. This thought leads me to this quote, "Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures." I am sucking it up and doing my best not to whine. I am remembering to count to 90 before responding to a charged remark in my direction while taking many deep breaths in the interim. With that said, I am not backing down on my positions. I am FINALLY in a space where it is safe to be who I really am. People will either accept me or they won't. I will no longer live my life according to other people's expectations. This doesn't mean I will stop making collective decisions based on the greater good. It just means that I am no longer willing to allow myself to be used and sucked dry. I often liken this feeling to the following:

See where the guy is helping that child put on his mask? He couldn't do that if he hadn't put his mask on first. In relation to myself, I can't help anyone else if I don't take care of myself. I have to meet my own needs. I cannot expect other people to do it for me.

With all of this said, sitting here on the eve of the winter solstice and new year, I feel in my bones that this year is going to be huge - not just for myself, but for everyone. Huge changes are coming our way and how we deal with those changes will deeply depend on our acceptance and mindfulness of whatever comes to the surface. I think this sums my feelings up nicely:

Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.
It isn't more complicated that that.
It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,
without either clinging to it or rejecting it.
Sylvia Boorstein

Year in Review

2010-12-15T10:34:00.003-05:00

I've decided I'm going to do a year in review with songs.... Hope you enjoy it.

January -

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

Writing

2010-11-12T12:57:00.002-05:00

I need to be doing more of it. The last 6+ months have been so personally heavy that I have utterly neglected this blog. I feel the blog calling me. It's saying, "Sara - get back to me! Share your feelings again!" I will heed its call. Expect a certain outburst of posts in the near future.

Wayside Cup - Team Radnecks

2010-10-05T10:14:00.001-04:00

As many of you are already aware, I have been working REALLY hard for The Wayside Center for Popular Education. If you don't know what Wayside is about yet, check out their website here: www.waysidecenter.org. In the meantime, here's an excerpt from their "About Us" section:
"Inspired by the Highlander Center in Tennessee, we envision a vibrant center where activists, organizers and other justice-loving folks can come together for education, training, socializing, rest, renewal, healing, fun and whatever else it takes to grow and be nurtured into a movement powerful enough to create the world we want to live in."

Food Not Bombs Norfolk has entered a team to participate in the first annual Wayside Cup Event. This is a grassroots fundraiser to help Wayside fund their projects and workshops such as "....permaculture workshops, anti-racism training, organizational retreats for long-range planning, interpreting for social justice workshops, skill-shares, cultural events...grow our own food and experiment with, learn about and eventually model ways that we can live more sustainably." I am writing to you today in hopes that you may be able to donate $5 to $10 in our team's name. All donations made in "Team Radnecks" name will help put us closer to bringing home the trophy and bring Wayside closer to achieving their goals. If this is something you can support, please go here: http://www.waysidecenter.org/donate.php

Thanks everyone!!!
=)

Pakistan

2010-08-16T21:58:00.001-04:00

The content of this poem might change. This is just what I came up with so far.

How many times
Have we seen this scene
Replayed over and over again in time
Children crying
Men punching and climbing like ants scurrying to the pie
Women bawling hands up to the sky while
Scarce bags of rice are flung at sheer
desparation by the naked emperor's army while we
Sit back
Admiring the emperor's sleek and shimmering new robe
Or
More aptly
Lightly carressing the iphone in our hands, pacified on technology's tit
Flipping from CNN to ...lost to lose the image in a blink
while never pondering
"why?"

Clean Love

2010-07-07T08:43:00.001-04:00

This is an excerpt from a book I am reading. It deeply resonated with me so I thought I would share.

Can you imagine love without jealousy, without possessiveness- love cleaned of all its clinginess and desperation? Let's try. We can take some thoughts from Buddhism: What would it be like to love without attachment? Or to open our hearts to someone with no expectation beyond another heart opening in return? Loving just for the joy of it, regardless of what we might get back?
Imagine seeing the beauty and virtues of a beloved and letting go of how their strengths might meet our needs or how their beauty might make us look better.
Imagine seeing another in a clean light of love, without enumerating the ways in which that person does and does not match up to the fantasy we carry around of our perfect mate or dream lover.
Imagine meeting another person in the freedom and innocence of childhood and playing together, without plotting how to make this person give us the kind of love we wish we could have gotten in our actual childhood.
But...but...but. What if you open your heart to someone and you don't like what happens next? Suppose that person gets drunk? Or treats your open affection with scorn? What if this person doesn't fulfill your dreams? What if this one turns out just like the last one? Suppose all those things do happen. What have you lost? A little time, a brief fantasy. Let it go, learn from it, and go find someone more worthy of your love.
Love doesn't much take to being stuffed into forms, which is what everybody's fantasies and imaginings are: custom-built plans for a constructed individual they've created to solve all their problems. Your authors have dream lovers too. But people are not made of clay or stone, and it won't work well to approach them with a chisel. Look what happened to Pygmalion.
How many times have you rejected the possibility of love because it didn't look the way you expected it to? Perhaps some characteristic was missing you were sure you must have, some other trait was present that you never dreamed of accepting. What happens when you throw away your expectations and open your eyes to the fabulous love that is shining right in front of you, hilding out its hand?
Clean love: love without expectations.
Wishing your love clean doesn't require advanced spirituality or weekly psychoanalysis. You'll probably never let go of every single attachment - at least we've never managed it. But maybe you can let go just for an instant: your history, worries, frets, and yearnings will still be there to come back to you when you need them. Just for now, take a look at the nifty person who is standing right in front of you.

Waiting on the Hierophant to Talk

2010-06-29T12:15:00.003-04:00

not scream
throw smoke bombs
divert and dance away.
just talk.

meanwhile the time ticks away

tickticktick

the tears keep streaming

.:drip:. .:drip:. .:drip:.

What's a woman to do?

Keep getting gray while waiting for the day that the transformation takes place?

-OR-

Stop waiting for the hierophant to meet my own needs

Nine years gone already

pieces of me blowing

bit by bit

grit by grit

until only my old bones are left.

The hierophant will no longer keep me from myself. Time is up. I will take my power back.

Love is just a four letter word...

2010-05-11T11:54:00.003-04:00

I found this really cool old video of Joan Baez playing this song with Earl Scruggs.

Here are the lyrics:

Seems like only yesterday
I left my mind behind
Down in the Gypsy Café
With a friend of a friend of mine
She sat with a baby heavy on her knee
Yet spoke of life most free from slavery
With eyes that showed no trace of misery
A phrase in connection first with she I heard
That love is just a four-letter word

Outside a rambling store-front window
Cats meowed 'til the break of day
Me, I kept my mouth shut,
To you I had no words to say
My experience was limited and underfed
You were talking while I hid
To the one who was the father of your kid
You probably didn't think I did, but I heard
You say that love is just a four-letter word

I said goodbye unnoticed
Pushed towards things in my own games
Drifting in and out of lifetimes
Unmentionable by name
After searching for my double, looking for
Complete evaporation to the core
Though I tried and failed at finding any door
I must have thought that there was nothing more absurd
Than that love is just a four-letter word

Though I never knew just what you meant
When you were speaking to your man
I could only think in terms of me
And now I understand
After waking enough times to think I see
The Holy Kiss that's supposed to last eternity
Blow up in smoke, its destiny
Falls on strangers, travels free
Yes, I know now, traps are only set by me
And I do not really need to be assured
That love is just a four-letter word

Strange it is to be beside you, many years the tables turned
You'd probably not believe me if told you all I've learned
And it is very very weird, indeed
To hear words like "forever" plead
so ships run through my mind I cannot cheat
it's like looking in a teacher's face complete
I can say nothing to you but repeat what I heard
That love is just a four-letter word.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

2010-05-07T09:50:00.002-04:00

I logged on with the intention of writing about popular education & the Wayside Center. Instead, I find myself wanting to write about something rather personal. In a way, it is connected to Wayside since Wayside also intends to be a place for personal healing as well as popular education. I think that's what got me on this train of thought to begin with.

Many of my friends are aware of the trauma i endured as a child. I was physically, mentally and sexually abused by my mother's ex husband from 4 until I was 12.5. My mother left him the summer before I turned 13 because I finally point blank told her what he had been doing to me. I will always be so grateful for the fact that my mother believed me and left. I have heard too many survivor's tell the sad tale of their mother's accusing them of lying, blaming them & abandoning them further. Thankfully, that was not my situation.

Thus began my journey of healing, learning to re-wire my brain for love rather than fear, relearning how to connect with others in a healthy, wholesome way. Here I am, 19 years later, still continuing down this healing road. I have often thought of this process as an upward spiral. It is never ending, yet the emotions needing attention ebb & flow. Each time I ascend the spiral, I end up better for it despite the pain & hurt that has to be tended to a long the way. I currently find myself with a whole lot of issues resurfacing, which can sometimes lead to me feeling really frustrated and tired. If I am feeling particularly immature about it all, I throw my hands in the air and say "When will this EVER be OVER??". It is painful and tiresome to continue to grow, push myself beyond the bounds of comfort. In reality though, I wouldn't have it any other way. This cycle of pain & growth is what keeps me evolving, keeps me striving to be a better person to myself and a better parent to my children.

I will leave you all with a poem, the title of this blog, written by Portia Nelson. It has often brought me comfort when I am in a self-deprecating mood in regards to some misstep I have taken or succumbing to old self destructive patterns. I hope that someone out there may find some solace in it as well.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

If Bob McDonnell Gets His Way...

2010-04-07T10:42:00.002-04:00

Will they revise this nickel to depict the oil rigs?

Human vs. System Values

2010-03-16T10:09:00.005-04:00

If you know me, you know I am anti-capitalist. As you can imagine, most people scoff at me & ask me "why?" I always feel at a loss to clearly explain my stance. That is, until I found the following essay in my slingshot organizer. The person who wrote this is my new hero. I hope this helps clarify the issue for you as it did for me. Yes, I *know* it is a propaganda piece, but the message rings true nonetheless...

A key to figuring out how to resist capitalism, earth-destroying mega-technology, and velveeta culture is learning how to re-define our values based on what it means to be fully human, awake and free. All of us who've grown up within this system internalize its values in subtle as well as more obvious ways. In other words, perhaps without even realizing it we start to define what we like and don't like, what we are willing to strive for and what we dismiss, what we see and what fades into the background based on a value system defined by an economic, technological, and cultural environment structured by capitalism.

The capitalist economic system requires all participants to simplify their thinking and behavior to pursue narrow goals: the most efficient, quick, cheap method, technology, or form of organization. It is important to understand that although these goals are easy to understand, they don't really mean anything - they are means to an end, but the end itself (more stuff, more growth at the lowest cost) doesn't really have any ultimate meaning. Capitalism has no internal way to determine whether anything - including, in particular, constant growth and cheapness - is actually good. In fact, on an ecologically finite planet, limitless growth is not good. Capitalist growth may kill us all if we can't somehow stop it soon. Just having more stuff does not make human beings happy or make their lives meaningful.

Because capitalism is designed around constant competition, the pressure to pursue its very narrow goals is almost irresistible for companies, communities, and individual people. If any element of the system rejects the pursuit of efficiency, others who are more efficient will out-compete the resister, who will be forced out.

Human beings are not machines. We are not merely cogs in the an economic machine. It makes no sense that psychologically, culturally, and in our day-to-day decision making we should primarily pursue efficiency, the lowst costs, and other valueless means-to-an-ends forms of thinking.

The most fundamental aspect of being human is our ability to experience raw emotion, wonder, love, freedom, pleasure, and sensation. These are experiences totally outside the awareness of economics, corporations, or computers, but each of us knows they are what makes life meaningful on a deep level. When your face is stained with tears - of happiness or sadness, but in either case being-ness- those are the moments you know you're really alive.

Humans seek freedom, self-determination, adventure, and challenges, whereas corporations, hierarchal authority structures, and machines seek control, order, routine, and the easiest, quickest, and most boring solution to problems. Humans seek to express their humanity - we sing, write, draw, dance, and rebel. Only living creatures can love, which is an irrational emotion that is also essential and even magical. It is the glue that makes society possible, makes our lives worth living, and can give us the strength and courage to organize, resist the capitalist destruction of the world, and survive. Yet love is totally invisible to capitalism - computers and corporations can't love. These structures can't comprehend solidarity which is based on love and that doesn't depend on trading something for something else.

To create a new society, we have to figure out ways to resist the social structures and institutions that oppress people and are destroying the earth. We have to create alternative institutions that can meet people's needs based on cooperation, sharing, free will, beauty, pleasure, and ecological sustainability. Doing these things means we are re-organizing our priorities away from mainstream goals such as acheiving success and getting material possessions.

To the extent the process of our struggle as well as our goals are based on human vs. system values - and to the extent we're conscious of when we're being guided by system-values and when we're being guided by human values - we can decrease burnout by increasing our sense of meaningfulness. We won't be seeking one path in our politics while self-judging our lives based on internalized values from the system. The part of our mind structured by the system is filled with a lot of "shoulds" that upon closer inspection may not make a lot of sense. It can be easy for our "reasonable" system-mind to doubt our human impulses for adventure, freedom, and ill-advised love that can leave us dangling out on a limb.

Taking a different path or doing it yourself for our own reasons will be slower, more difficult and often very confusing, and messy. Resisting the global machine means that you'll miss out on the treats it has to offer, and it may role over and crush you if you don't step out of the way at the right moment. The funny thing is that a lot of times, enjoying easy treats makes you feel empty, while seeking complex, tough pleasures makes you feel alive and engaged. Taking the human and therefore sometimes irrational and inconvenient path seriously, and following it with all your heart is what the world needs most right now. We've gone as far as we can with making things fast and cheap - now it's time to build something meaningful and human.

The Word of the Day Is...

2010-02-18T14:03:00.001-05:00

Modulate:
mod⋅u⋅late

[moj-uh-leyt] Show IPA verb, -lat⋅ed, -lat⋅ing.

–verb (used with object)

1.	to regulate by or adjust to a certain measure or proportion; soften; tone down.

2.	to alter or adapt (the voice) according to the circumstances, one's listener, etc.

Music.

a.	to attune to a certain pitch or key.

b.	to vary the volume of (tone).

Telecommunications. to cause the amplitude, frequency, phase, or intensity of (a carrier wave) to vary in accordance with a sound wave or other signal, the frequency of the signal wave usually being very much lower than that of the carrier.

In order to
Say thank you to you
I must do it intentionally
But tonight with every breath
I can feel my death
Sure as I can feel my knees

You were my modulation
So that's what you will always be
We took each other higher
We set each other free

Course, neither of us were wearing helmets
And our blood was just everywhere
And when the morphine kicked in later
The censors threw their hands up in despair
And that's when the truth came marching in
And promptly pulled the plug
But you were better than any drug
You were better than any drug

In order to
Say thank you to you
I must do it intentionally
But tonight with every breath
I can feel my death
Sure as I can feel my knees

You were my modulation
And that's what you will always be
We took each other higher
Then we set each other free
We set each other free
-- A.D.

Methods

2010-01-14T10:15:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading Pacifism As Pathology by Ward Churchill. It was an excellent read; however, the quote that stuck out to me most wasn't Churchill's own words. It was a quote from Kwame Ture (Stokely Carmichael):

If we are to consider ourselves as revolutionaries, we must acknowledge that we
have an obligation to succeed in pursuing revolution. Here, we must
acknowledge not only the power of our enemies, but our own power as well.
Realzing the nature of our power, we must not deny ourselves the exercise of the
options available to us; we must utilize surprise, cunning and flexibility; we
must use the strength of our enemy to undo him, keeping him confused and
off-balance. We must organize with perfect clarity to be utterly unpredictable.
When our enemies expect us to respond to provocation with violence, we must
react calmly and peacefully; just as they anticipate our passivity, we must
throw a grenade.

Now I realize that I am potentially igniting a firestorm by highlighting this quote but I can't emphasize enough how much this quote got me thinking. I have been wrestling for months with the following questions. Does pacifism work? Is there ever a time where more direct action is called for or justified? What keeps those of us working on a variety of social justice issues from unifying? How do we build solidarity in our community? I am going to leave you all with these questions and this quote to see what dialogue, if any, ensues.

rants

2010-01-08T12:22:00.002-05:00

Why do people think it is okay to invite themselves to gatherings? It's okay to ask if you can come along, but don't just announce that you're going to attend when you weren't invited. That is one of those little societal nuances that I DO believe in.

Words without action are meaningless. I pay much more attention to what you do rather than what you say. If the actions don't add up to what you say, then I am going to call you on it. I expect people to do the same to me.

Why do people get so pissed off when I question our military actions & tell me I should support our troops yet turn their nose up at the homeless veteran when they ask for help??

Why do people feel like they can defensively question me about my lifestyle when I say NOTHING to them about the way they live their lives? Just because I live my life differently than yours doesn't cause me to ask you to justify your lifesyle to me, so don't ask me to justify mine.

If another person asks me if I am afraid that my kids aren't going to be properly socialized because I homeschool, I might just snap. Seriously people, who is more qualified to socialize your child - you? or 30 of their peers who are lacking the same skill set? I am confident that my kids will be socially more well rounded than any kid in the public school setting, hands down.

I could keep going, but I won't. I don't enjoy being in this negative space. I need to get the hell out of this place & recharge my psyche or else it is going to suck me into this blackhole of shittiness that is known as Norfolk, VA.

Meet Us Up The River

2009-12-17T11:32:00.001-05:00

Now that I am not on the computer as much as I have been & the kids and I are on break from co-op, I have had some time to get caught up on some household organizing. I was getting ready to toss my flyer for the Fair Trade Festival into the recycling bin when I noticed the following essay. I had to sign on & share it with you all.

Once upon a time there was a small village on the edge of a river. The people there were good and the life in the village was good. One day a villager noticed a baby floating down the river. The villager quickly jumped into the river and swam out to save the baby from drowning.
The next day this same villager was walking along the river bank and notived two babies in the river. He called for help, and both babies were rescued from the swift waters. And the following day four babies were seen caught in the turbulent current. And then eight, then more, and still more.
The villagers organized themselves quickly, setting up watch towers and training teams of swimmers who could resist the swift waters and rescue babies. Rescue squads were soon working 24 hours a day. And each day the number of babies floating down the river increased.
The villagers organized themselves efficiently. The rescue squads were now snatching many children each day. Groups were trained to give mouth to mouth resuscitation. Others prepared formula and provided clothing for the chilled babies. Many people were involved in making clothing and knitting blankets. Still others provided foster homes and placement.
While not all the babies...could be saved, the villagers felt they were doing well to save as many as they could each day. Indeed, their priest blessed them in their good work. And life in the village continued on that basis.
One day, however, someone raised the question, "But where are all these babies coming from? Who is throwing them into the river? Why? Let's organize a team to go upstream and see who's doing it."

The seeming logic of the elders countered: "And if we go upstream who will operate the rescue operations? We need every concerned person here."

"But don't you see," cried the one lone voice, "if we find out who is throwing them in, we can stop the problem and no babies will drown. By going upstream we can eliminate the cause of the problem."
"It is too risky," [decided the elders].
And so the numbers of babies in the river increase daily. Those saved increase, but those who drown increase even more.

MEET US UP THE RIVER!!!

Today is the Day

2009-12-05T09:35:00.004-05:00

The Fair Trade Festival has finally arrived! Don't know much about Fair Trade or the festival? Read about it here. I am really looking forward to seeing the belly dancers & Scythian this evening, not to mention the chocolate tasting - yum! Hope to see you there =)

What can you do with three minutes?

2009-11-24T15:15:00.005-05:00

Last night, I went to the Surry County Public Hearings on whether to grant local zoning approval for the ODEC - proposed coal plant in Dendron, VA. The meeting began at 7:00pm and did not end until 11:45. I was really impressed with the fact that the council willingly stayed and listened to everyone. Here's what I had to say (which I managed to keep to three minutes or less, the allotted time given):

Within the last two weeks there have been at least four different articles in the Virginia Pilot regarding mercury in our water and/or fish. One article in particular spoke of a report by Environment America which ranked our state #2 in the nation for the dirtiest waters. Yet another article announced that Lake Gaston walleye fish have been designated inedible due to high levels of mercury. Where does this mercury come from? Coal.

This proposed coal plant will be built right in the middle of the very same water sheds that supply the Hampton Roads region with water. Why on EARTH would we willingly agree to poison ourselves?

As the debate rages nationally in regards to healthcare, I have often wondered who will need healthcare if we don't have a land base? Our water is already horribly polluted as is our air & soil. This plant will only make these issues exponentially worse. As a mother of two young children, I want to know that we are working to fix these situations, not continue to dump fuel onto this ever-growing fire of pollution & destruction. We should be investing in renewable energy sources, not these antiquated destructive means of energy. I want to know that we are leaving our children a sustainable land base, not a polluted waste land.

In closing, I'd like to leave you with the following Cree indian proverb:
"Only when the last tree is cut
Only when the last river is polluted
Only when the last fish is caught
Only then will men realize that they cannot eat money"

They conducted the two public hearings and then decided to continue the rest of the proceedings until Dec. 14th. I would say that well over 50 people spoke and only about 10 people were for the proposal, if that. You can see those 10 people highlighted on ODEC's website. I must admit I had a really hard time refraining from pitching objects at the ODEC lawyer as he spoke, especially when I heard him refer to the environmental impact as being "passive and benign". It was overall an empowering experience and I am hopeful that the council will, at the very least, insist on an independent study being done before agreeing to the rezoning.

Tonight: Say No To Coal

2009-11-23T14:42:00.003-05:00

For those of my readers who are friends with me on Facebook, this will be a repeat. Sorry. You can smack me the next time you see me for making you hear/read the same thing over and over again...
In the meantime, for the rest of you out there in the blogosphere:

Coal is not and cannot be clean. Every week yet another article shows up in the paper reinforcing this reality ( See here , here and here). So can anyone tell me why Old Dominion Electric Cooperative is looking to build Virginia’s largest coal burning power plant to date in Dendron, VA?

Yes, you read that right. A measly fifty miles away from us they are planning to commission the state’s largest coal fired plant dab smack in the middle of the waters that feed our water supplies. You feel helpless you say? So did I, until I received the following message:

YOUR VOICE IS DESPERATELY NEEDED!

Old Dominion Electric Cooperative wants to build the largest coal plant in Virginia in the Hampton Roads region. On Monday, Nov. 23rd, the Surry County Planning Commission is holding a public hearing on whether to grant local zoning approval for this controversial plant. This is a crucial time to speak out against this monstrosity of a coal plant!

Community members fighting the plant have asked for YOUR support by showing up to this public hearing and voicing your concerns!

http://org2.democracyinaction.org/o/5020/t/3211/signUp.jsp?key=1490

The meeting starts at 7:00. We are going to get there early and stand in line so that we can get seats....ODEC has a nasty habit of showing up and trying to take up the front rows of important meetings.....so we gotta race 'em!

Because this is a zoning issue, neighboring communities are invited to voice their concerns. We are all going to be impacted, we are all neighbors.

The proposed plant, located only a few miles from one of the
Commonwealth's greatest treasures, the Chesapeake Bay, would poison
surrounding waterways with 116 pounds of mercury per year. The plant
would create nearly 60 tons of poisonous coal ash a day, to be stored
in Surry County, and would increase the demand for coal extracted
using mountaintop removal mining. In addition, it would add nearly 15
million tons of global warming pollution to our air every year.

I am going to be there at this hearing tonight to ensure that my voice is heard. You should be there too. If enough of us show up, they might just have to listen to us. The address for the event is the Surry County Government Center 45 School St Surry, VA. We must take a stand right now at this critical juncture. If we don’t speak up for the health of our land base, then who will? I don’t know about you, but I want to be able to trust that my water will be clean and that I can eat what I grow without poisoning myself or my kids. "At the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends" ~MLK

Fair Trade Festival

2009-08-28T14:33:00.003-04:00

I just received this in my mail the other day:

QUICK RESPONSE NEEDED!

Dear Fair Trade Fans,

The time has come to commit to the Fair Trade Festival!

The festival this year will be at WATERSIDE!!!!

Same time frame, Sat December 5, 10am to 10 pm, and Sunday Dec 6 12:00 pm-5pm.

The good news: BEAUTIFUL venue, lots of space, built-in sound system, dedicated poetry space, indoors, but with a giant window to the outdoors! Great publicity help! Additional table space: I am planning on 50 tables rather than 40. Dinner tentatively planned for Friday night...

The bad news: Slight increase in table price to $50, and... we can't leave merchandise over night. Your tables, racks, etc can stay up over night, but they said we absolutely could not leave merchandise set up on the tables over night. Sigh. Apologies. I will try to have additional volunteer help available for pack-up Saturday night.

If you are a previous vendor or a performer, you want to be included in the festival, and you have the first weekend in December available, please drop me a quick email right away saying "YES", and I will assume you are coming. I need to get the press release written in the next week, and will only be able to mention people who have said they are coming! New vendors, we'll handle applications later- right now I just need to know you'd like to come.

Immediate needs:

A FUNDRAISER

A VOLUNTEER COORDINATOR

A FESTIVAL "INTERN" who'd like to learn how to do this!

Thanks, y'all!

-Susan Posey,

Fair Trade Festival Coordinator

cel (757) 581-5672

fairtradefun@gmail.com

Last night Susan and I talked extensively about what is still needed to get this off the ground. She *really* needs someone who is good at fundraisers. The festival needs companies that jive with the Fair Trade mission (like a donation from Wal-Mart won't work) and/or individuals who are willing to donate anywhere between $50 to $1000. Obviously the more money she is able to raise, the more she will be able to pay the performing artists as well as just make things happen. Speaking of performing artists - she is in need for musicians, poets, dancers, etc. Anyone who can perform during the festival is what she is looking for!

Oh! Don't know why Fair Trade is important? Then check these links out to learn more:

http://www.fairtradefederation.org/

http://www.globalexchange.org/campaigns/fairtrade/coffee/

Looking for local stores to purchase Fair Trade items? Check these places out:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Norfolk-VA/Elliots-Fair-Grounds/135203385931#/pages/Norfolk-VA/Elliots-Fair-Grounds/135203385931?v=wall&viewas=0

http://www.greenalternativesstore.com/

http://newportnews.tenthousandvillages.com/php/stores.festivals/store.homepage.php

Laundry Etiquette

2009-08-10T13:27:00.003-04:00

1. If you only wore it once & didn't get it dirty, PUT IT AWAY! Unless, of course, the item of clothing is your underwear or socks. These are one time wear items. I don't mean "put it away in the laundry hamper". I mean "Put it away in your drawer".

2. Do not put any items in the washer machine unless you are starting a load of laundry. This especially applies to wet items like damp beach towels. Nothing quite like the aroma of bacteria & fungus breeding for a week and a half in the summer heat!

3. If you are doing a load of laundry, please pay attention to the washer's settings. A new brightly colored shirt should not be washed in hot water. A load of regular cottons should not be washed on delicate. There is a reason why they give you dials to change the settings.

4. If you start a load of laundry, take it through the whole process. Do not assume that someone else will step in & take over. So, if you started the load in the washer, ensure it gets into the dryer. It also super nice if you take it out of the dryer & fold it too.

5. Rule #3 also applies to the dryer. Do not put the "Tumble Dry Low" items on high heat!

6. Back to rule #4.... If you see a pile of clothes sitting on top of the dryer that you started through the process yet did not complete by taking it out & putting it away, then this is your clue to do so. DO NOT put it back in the dryer.

Phew! I feel better now.

The Never Ending Story

2009-08-05T13:51:00.003-04:00

Today was the BIG day. I would finally be able to put all of the nonsense behind me, right? Wrong. Sergeant A.J. Bostjanik didn't bother to show up to court today.

My four character witnesses, my mother, and I sat in a packed waiting room, shoulder to shoulder, that had no air conditioning or air ventilation whatsoever (It is 93 degrees with a heat index of 102 today) for forty five minutes without knowing what was going on. My lawyer appeared in the waiting room to break the news about the officer's no show. He explained that the officer's representative was seeking a continuance but that he would fight it. It was another thirty minutes before we were called into the courtroom.

As promised, my lawyer pushed for dismissal. He did so in an incredibly tactful manner. He gently pushed the judge but stopped before he crossed the line. Unfortunately, the judge was in a bad mood today. My lawyer had warned me about Judge Massey's volatility. I witnessed it first hand. Apparently, he had yet to hear a case because, one case after the other, there were no shows. He did indicate that "the only good news he had heard all day" was the fact that we were all present & ready for our case to be heard. This was when my lawyer went full-fledge into his argument for dismissal. The judge's response? A mother once left her seven month old in the car for 45 secs to drop a letter in the slot of the post office only to turn around and find her infant gone. What one has to do with the other is still beyond me. Anyway, I digress. He turned down the motion for dismissal and set a new hearing for September 16th @ 9:00am. He dismissed us and doled out his "one word of advice" to me: Netflix.

Can we say major suckage? There are SO many different side stories I could delve into here: the waste of tax payers money, the abuse of power, the "blame the victim" mentality this judge demonstrated today, etc. I just don't have the energy. My girlfriend has my kids for the day. I have some time to myself. I am going to get off this machine & go take some alone time to regroup.

HUGE thanks to everyone out there that has been here for me through this. I love you all.

Statue vs. Statute

2009-07-15T11:21:00.002-04:00

I feel like such a tard.... I was looking through my past posts & realized that, on multiple occasions, I wrote statue instead of statute. I DO know the difference, I swear :) I am going back to fix it now....

I'm no heroine...

2009-07-13T11:16:00.002-04:00

I was cooking breakfast for us this morning & listening to my iPod. Ani Difranco came on... "I'm No Heroine". I was listening very carefully to the lyrics. It really spoke to me, especially given my current situation. I thought I'd share it with you guys....

Okay, so what do I do now?

2009-07-09T13:27:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was my arraignment. I qualified for a court appointed lawyer. My hearing date has been set for August 5th, 2009 @ 9am in the Juvenile & Domestic Court of the city of Norfolk.

I spoke with my lawyer yesterday afternoon. I was feeling pretty good about having representation. I felt like a weight had been lifted - I would be vindicated now that I had a lawyer who could navigate the legalese for me. This is how I felt until I spoke to my lawyer.

I had her for about ten minutes on the phone right before she was trying to get out of the office to begin her vacation. I asked her what the chances were that she would be able to have my case dismissed. She said "None." I brought up the point of the evidence not meeting the burden of the law ( See definition and charge of child neglect under VA State Law). She responded that Officer Bostjank is "notorious" for charging women with neglect and that the judge assigned to my case has always sided with this officer, no matter how ridiculous the charge is. For example, he charged a mom for neglect because she pulled up to the curb of the post office, got out of her car to drop envelopes into the blue box outside of the post office and didn't bring her children with her. She was found guilty.

Needless to say I am feeling rather deflated right now. I have some ideas on how to proceed & ensure that every shred of defending evidence is presented at my hearing; however, I am still not certain that it is going to help in light of what she has told me.

Any ideas?

What does walking for peace & child neglect have in common?

2009-07-05T11:43:00.012-04:00

A lot, I've come to find out.

I have been wrestling with sharing this story. On the one hand, I really don't want to incur people's judgement anymore than I already have in my life. I feel as though, by virtue of choosing a lifestyle very different from mainstream society, I am already under scrutiny from most people. I don't need to feel anymore judgment than I already do. On the other hand, I feel that I must share this story to help someone else who might find themselves in a similar position. Granted, this story is far from being over, but who knows how it might effect someone's own life later on?

So, here goes nothing.... Here is what happened.

This whole event took place right after I had just participated in an interview with Channel 13 news for the walk for disarmament. I had been actively participating in the walk's planning, meeting Sunday evenings with the rest of the core organizers, figuring out how to coordinate food, shelter, etc. I initially felt that I would not be able to directly participate because of my children. I didn't think they would be able to walk the mileage. After the first planning meeting, I realized that there would be a LOT of breaks and plenty of opportunity to leave the walk if the kids needed to. The kids and I were really excited and looking forward to participating.

I am always eager to have the children participate in activism whether it be cooking for Food Not Bombs , participating in demonstrations, or helping with neighborhood cleanups, etc. Not only does activism feed my soul but it teaches both kids important life lessons. Life lessons like "not everyone knows where their next meal is coming from" or "not everyone will agree with you standing up for your beliefs". Most importantly, though, it teaches them that they have to do the work to make the changes they want to see in this world. I believe it is the best way to convey Margaret Mead's tried but true quote: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

My arrest, as the officer continually called it, devastated my outlook on participating. I was so shocked that this man deemed me neglectful for something as simple as leaving my kids in the car (which was in my line of vision the entire time). If this was seen as neglectful, how would officers view my children walking in the heat of summer along highways & holding vigils outside military bases? The arrest also did a number on my self esteem as a mom. Was I neglectful? Was it wrong to leave my almost 10 & 6 year olds in the car while I dropped videos in the slot of the door? The week of the 15th was busy for us personally so I didn't have a whole lot of time to dwell on it until the drive home from PA on the 21st. I became paralyzed with fear. What if I am found guilty? I will never be able to teach. What if I decide to walk and get arrested again? I decided it was best to opt out of direct participation. Sure, we'd provide food via Food Not Bombs. But walk? Not this time.

I can't describe how depressed this made me and how overwhelmed with negativity I became. How can I call myself an activist if I am not willing to put myself out there? On the other hand, how do I put myself out there and remain available for my children? They depend on me for guidance, love & nurturing. How fair would it be to them to have mom locked up for standing up in her beliefs? These questions are still bouncing around in my head. I imagine they will be for a long time.

I remained reclusive throughout the week of the walk until Thursday. The kids and I made two dishes for the walkers' dinner. That night, I met Sister Ardeth. Talk about an inspiration! This woman served 33 months for her nonviolent civil disobedience. Everyone who spoke to me that night reassured me that there was nothing to fear & that I would be kept "safe" from any police officers trying to harass us. The kids and I listened to everyone's reflections of the walk thus far that week. All three of us were inspired. The fear left me as quickly as it had blanketed me. The kids and I would join them in any way that they were comfortable with. We joined everyone the next morning outside of the main Little Creek Amphibious Base gate on the corner of Little Creek Rd & Shore Dr. The kids and I participated in the first vigil of the day. I do believe it was 90 degrees by 9am that day. We had been all gung-ho about walking when we arrived at 8 am . That desire rapidly declined for the children as the hour progressed. Evan looked at me by the end of the vigil & said: "It would be nice to walk but I am just too hot". Although I was disappointed, I knew that I had to defer to the kids' comfort zone. They weren't comfortable so we weren't walking. There will be more demonstrations and marches in the future that we will have the stamina for. All things in due time.

As far as my court case goes, the arraignment is Wednesday. I looked at the statute he charged me under. I don't believe he has met the burden of the law in order for me to be properly tried and found guilty. If the case isn't dismissed Wednesday by the prosecutor, I will ask that council be appointed & see if I qualify. If not, I will do whatever I need to do in order to obtain a lawyer. I want this case dismissed & my records expunged. I would also like to continue our activism without feeling this type of threat hanging over our heads.

Saw this on another blog...

2009-06-27T10:51:00.004-04:00

I am catching up on my reading. Can you tell?

I like this. I hope you do too.

The following email is making the rounds. Figured I’d share.

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, why do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don’t propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don’t have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of representatives does.

You and I don’t write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don’t set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don’t control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don’t care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator’s responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi. She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted — by present facts — of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can’t think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it’s because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it’s because they want it in the red .

If the Army & Marines are in Iraq , it’s because they want them in Iraq .

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it’s because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like “the economy,” “inflation,” or “politics” that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Saw this on a blog...

2009-06-27T10:22:00.005-04:00

I decided to post something mindless that I saw on another blog....

A - Age: 30

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: dishes and laundry

D - Dog’s name: I am all about cats. No dogs for me!

E - Essential start your day item: COFFEE!!!!

F - Favorite color: In order: Blue, Green, & Purple

G - Gold or Silver: Silver

H - Height: 5’6”

I - Instruments you play: Djembe

J - Job title: Residential Operation Officer

K - Kid(s): Evan - 9 years old; Kaya 5 years old

L - Living arrangements: A wonderful two story unit of a duplex in Ghent

M - Mom’s name: Debra

N - Nicknames: Sara Beara, Puss, EBW - can't think of anymore at the moment....

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Hysterectomy in 3/2007 and wicked kidney infection in 10/07

P - Pet Peeve: People on power trips & hypocrisy

Q - Quote from a movie: "Always with the f***ing chicken!!!"

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: 2 sisters: Lisa, who I grew up with. Her birthday is 8/26/70. Grace, sister on my Dad's side, who I have really enjoyed getting closer to in the last two years. Her birthday is 8/27/87. I still think it is crazy how close their birthdays are!

T - Time you wake up: If I am on top of my game, 6:30am so I have about 1 hr to 1.5 hr to myself before the kids wake up. Unfortunately, I am not always so great at that & I wake up when the kids get up ~ 8am.

U- Underwear: clean :)

V - Vegetable you dislike: can't really think of one... I really disliked broccoli, peas & brussels sprouts when I was a kid.

W - Ways you run late: I have this memory of my mother yelling at me as a kid: "Sara! QUIT DAWDLING!!!!" I never grew out of that & both of my kids suffer from the same disorder =) So there are three of us that are daydreaming instead of having any sense of urgency to get out the door. Hence,my motto: "I consider on time to be when I get there"

X - X-rays you’ve had: Chest, abdomen, teeth. That's all I can remember right now....

Y - Yummy food you make: everything I make is delicious but I'd say my chocolate chip cookies are the best :)

Z - Favorite zoo animal: NONE. I hate seeing animals in cages.

Here it comes....

2009-06-11T09:46:00.002-04:00

This is the part where I lament that I have a MILLION thoughts running through my head but no time to write.

I want to write about the upcoming march (On the Road to No War) that the kids and I are participating in, helping out with Food Not Bombs, update on how the garden is coming along, the kids current interests, this recurring theme in my life regarding the dualities of life (light vs. darkness). Alas, writing is not something that comes easily to me. I usually have to dedicate a few hours to a post and I just haven't had the time or dedication.

Maybe I'll start keeping a journal again. That way I can write when the spirit moves me, then post it if here if I feel so compelled.

Hope everyone has been enjoying their springs/summers so far!

New Wave

2009-05-23T09:21:00.004-04:00

I am experiencing a new wave of creativity these days. I am welcoming it with open arms. It has been TOO long since I felt creative enough to actually work on a project.

Here's a picture of what I did last night:

It isn't the best quality photo. I don't know if you can see what it is exactly so I will explain it. I started out wanting to "write" a poem for Uncle James just using words and/or phrases cut out from various magazines. I ended up with the following poem by the time I was done clipping:

Namaste friend

Every breathe you take

Come as you are

Our hybrid life

Desert's best... CASHED OUT... Chesapeake Bay

Integral grassroots fertile ground

Not all who wander are lost

Where to?

Adventure to greenstreets

Phoenix Rising

Leave no child inside

create.play.care.

Works of art

dream coexist

Welcome the heart of Nature

Dare to dream with pure intentions

Seek the truth

Survive THIS!

It's not about escaping reality

It's about finding it....

READ

express yourself...

A kind spoken-word

is not hard to believe....

The best gift I have to offer

Last words

Love you.....

Each "paragraph" will be one picture for five in total. Last night I completed the first page. I went through old magazines and cut out pictures that I felt matched the emotion of the words. I am not sure how I am going to put together the final product... each an individual framed picture? a bound "book"? I'll be sure to post pictures of the final product...

One Year Ago Today

2009-05-19T07:49:00.006-04:00

I quit my job as QA manager of a start up eye & tissue bank. I didn't give two weeks notice. I just left. Yeah, sounds REALLY "responsible" huh? I am not going to go into the nitty gritty details but there had been a domino effect of events leading up to a meeting on 5/14. At this meeting, we were informed by the CEO that the company needed to hire on another person to do family approaches yet the company didn't have the money (keep in mind that he had *just* hired another surgical lead, a position that was already fulfilled by the Tissue Recovery Manager. Did I mention this person was his friend??). He pretty much told the TRM & I that we would have to do even more and not be paid for it since the new surgical lead didn't want to be bothered with calling families. Furthermore, he informed us that we would be meeting again on 5/19 to present him with ideas on how to raise money for our company. His premise? Since we were a 503b non profit organization, we could convince people to make tax deductible donations to us. For serious. This is where the proverbial straw began to crack my back. Things continued to brew during the following four days between meetings. Although I had the gut feeling since my first interview that this organization would crash and burn (not to mention take down my career in eye & tissue banking), the realization FINALLY smacked me in the face following a few more events those four days. I couldn't take it. My husband convinced me to walk. I was scared. I wasn't sure that it was the best idea. Shaking, I walked into the meeting with my keys & a disc with all of my work on it. I told them all that I had come up with a way for them to save some money - I was out of there. The only questions that was asked: "You aren't going to give two weeks?" HELL no. I had already given WAY too much. I was done.

Thus began my journey as a stay at home Mom. I walked away from a career that I thoroughly enjoyed (even if it was stressful & consuming) to be home with my children. It has now been a full year. I look back & don't regret a thing. I only regret not coming to the decision sooner. I will say, though, that it has taken a full year for me to get comfortable in my new role. I have been racked with doubt regarding my capabilities to not only be available for my children, but to educate my children. The doubts have only recently been assuaged. When you first make the switch to homeschooling, you are told that a good "rule of thumb" is to deschool for every month in school. For example: my son had been in school for four years. He thus needed four months of "do nothing but what you want" time in order to decompress and be comfortable with the new routine. I have come to realize that I, too, have been deschooling. It has taken me the last twelve months to FINALLY shrug off all of the negative emotions I have carried in conjunction with learning and responsibilities. I had to shed all of my societal indoctrination to be able to be comfortable in this new role. I would say that deschooling did indeed last for four months for Evan. I would say that I am about 90% complete with my own deschooling. Kaya luckily did not have to deschool since she never really went to school in the first place :) Want to learn more about deschooling? Check out: www.sandradodd.com/deschooling

I want to write more about this new life I've entered but, lo and behold, we have a BUSY day getting ready to start. It is our last day of co-op www.hsobx.org for the semester. Time to get ready for a fun filled day!!

Perhaps some insight...

2009-05-18T10:22:00.004-04:00

... into my crazy mind :) If you actually watch what I post on FB, then these will all be repeats for you...... Otherwise, enjoy!

So Much to do & Not enough time...

2009-04-23T09:57:00.004-04:00

The kids and I have been BUSY!!! This is a good thing, obviously. I have so much I want to write about. I want to share all of our late adventures with you guys. Alas, I will not be able to do so today. I have TOO much to do to sit in front of the computer anymore today. You all will just have to hang in suspense - MUAH HA HA!!

I hope all of you are enjoying the spring weather. We sure are! Maybe I will get the chance to write tonight... until then, PEACE!!

Fear NOT

2009-04-19T10:20:00.004-04:00

I came across the following essay by Derrick Jensen http://www.derrickjensen.org/fear01.html I want to share it with you all. It is long, but a thought provoking, worthwhile read.

How Do We Free Ourselves From the Trap of Fear? By Derrick Jensen

I'm holding a newspaper clipping from 1996. The creases are torn, the page yellowed. The headline reads "Mother bear charges trains." Trains had killed her two sons, and so this mother grizzly charged train after train after train.

At first I carried this clipping in my wallet, and then I taped it over my desk. It helps me remember what it means to be courageous, what it means to be alive.

I used to think the world is being destroyed by the greed, hatred, and insanity of those in power. Of course I still think that, as must anyone paying attention, but I see more and more how our own fearfulness causes us to collude with this destruction.

No, I'm not spewing the same old line about how because I use toilet paper I'm just as culpable for deforestation as the CEO of Weyerhaeuser. I'm not saying we need to have compassion for those who are killing the planet, that we need to drive all hatred out of our own hearts before we can stop those who are destroying our homes. I'm not perpetuating the magical thinking that proposes that we are all equally responsible for the destruction of the planet, and that if I personally and a bunch of other "environmentalists" collectively are just  pure enough, kind enough, loving enough, that things really will turn out okay.
Not at all. Because they won't.
I don't think the mother grizzly worried about the purity of her own heart. She merely followed her heart to act against those who had killed those she loved.
My culpability for deforestation is much more extreme than my mere use of toilet paper. My culpability is that I do not physically stop the deforesters, that I do not defend my home and the homes of those (humans and nonhumans) I love with the ferocity and love manifested by this bear.
We suffer from a misguided belief that love implies pacifism. I'm not sure mother grizzly bears would agree, nor many other mothers I've known. I've been attacked by mother horses, cows, mice, chickens, geese, eagles, hawks, and hummingbirds who thought I was threatening their children. I have known many human mothers who would kill anyone who was going to harm their little ones. If a mother mouse is willing to put her life on the line by attacking someone eight thousand times her size, what does that say about our own hearts? (The mother mouse won, by the way.)
I say that I love the salmon who swim up the streams near my home, but the salmon are being driven extinct, and what do I do to help them? I write about them, sing love songs to them, stand and watch with tear-stained face as they spawn in silted streams. But what do I do?
The problem is not complex. If I really care about salmon, I need to remove dams, I need to stop industrial forestry and commercial fishing, and I need to stop global warming. These are actually straightforward technical tasks. But I don't do them.
Why not?
I can come up with all sorts of pseudo-intellectual, pseudo-spiritual, or pseudo-moral reasons, but when I'm honest with myself the real reason underlying all of the others is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I act effectively the police will kill me or put me in prison forever. I'm afraid that if I act effectively I will be an outcast from this society. I'm afraid that if I act effectively, some people won't like me. They will judge me.
Here are some questions I've been thinking about lately. If Nazis or other fascists took over North America (long pause, the raising of one eyebrow) what would we all do? Consider Mussolini's definition of fascism: "Fascism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of State and corporate power." What if this occupied country called itself a democracy, but most everyone understood elections to be shams, with citizens allowed to choose between different wings of the same Fascist (or, following Mussolini, Corporate) party? What if protesting and other nonviolent dissent were opposed by storm troopers and secret police? Would we fight back? If a resistance movement already existed, would we join it?
And what would we do if those in power then instituted laws allowing them to put one-third of all Jewish males between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five into concentration camps? Substitute African-American for Jewish and ask yourself the same question.
Would we resist if the fascists irradiated the countryside, poisoned food supplies, deforested the continent, or made rivers too filthy for drinking or swimming? What if the fascists poisoned not only the land, but the bodies of those we love with dioxin (one of the most toxic substances known) and dozens of other carcinogens? I ask audiences at my talks how many have loved people who've been killed by cancer. About eighty percent raise their hands. Now, would we resist if those in power poisoned not just the bodies of those we love, but our own bodies?
If we won't fight back when our loved ones are dying and our own bodies are being poisoned, when will we take a stand? We each need to find our own threshold: the point at which we break free of our fear and act on behalf of those we love.
Why are we so terrified? What are we afraid of? Neither of these questions is rhetorical. They are, at this point, some of the most important questions we need to ask ourselves.
On the most basic level, fear is the belief that we have something to lose. And on one level, of course, we do have so very much to lose. We all know what those in power do to those who threaten them or their possessions. Jeffrey Leuers burned three SUVs in an act of symbolic resistance, and was sentenced to more than twenty-two years in prison, a far longer sentence than that typically given to rapists, to men who beat their wives to death, to chemical company CEOs whose decisions release into the world the toxins that give so many of us cancer. If we were to seriously threaten the perceived entitlement of those in power to convert the living world into consumer products to be sold, they would try to stop us by any means.
But there are more fears too. We know that we, those of us in the United States who are the primary physical beneficiaries of the exploitation, would lose access to some consumer products. What does it say about us that we are willing to accept the destruction of the planet in exchange for products like coffee, chocolate, cars, and electric blankets?
We all face choices. On the largest scale, we can have automobiles or we can have ice caps and polar bears. We can have dams and paper and wood products, or we can have salmon. We can have cardboard boxes or we can have living forests. We can have electricity and a world devastated by mining, or we can have neither: even solar electricity still requires an industrial infrastructure. We can have imported fruits, vegetables, meat, and coffee or we can have at least somewhat intact human and nonhuman communities in Latin America. 
Does this mean we should despair? Maybe. Despair is certainly an appropriate response to a desperate situation. But even more than this, we should simply recognize that these choices aren't really choices anyway: for more than ninety-nine percent of our existence, humans have lived quite happily without destroying their communities or the planet. These choices are the result of an aberrant and frankly bizarre way of living.
On a more personal level, we can flow along with the mainstream of a culture that does not serve us well, does not really make us happy, does not really make us comfortable, does not really make us safe; but only offers illusions of happiness, comfort, safety or we can begin the oftentimes prickly work of searching for our own hearts, for asking who and what we love, who and what we feel strongly enough about to change our lives for, to fight for, to live for. How about our own happiness? I've long had the habit of asking people if they like their jobs: about 90 percent say no. What does it mean when the vast majority of people spend the vast majority of their waking hours doing things they'd rather not do? How about your own health? How about the health of your children? How about their happiness (by which I don't mean the variety of toys at their disposal, but the actual quality of their lives)? How about the health and happiness of the land where you live? How about a planet not being killed? What is most important to you?
We can't have it all. The belief that we can is one of the things that has driven us to this awful place. If insanity could be defined as having lost functional connection with physical reality, to believe we can have it all, to believe we can simultaneously dismantle a world and live on it; to believe we can perpetually use more energy than the sun provides; to believe we can take more than the world gives willingly; to believe a finite world can support infinite growth, much less infinite economic growth that converts ever larger numbers of living beings to dead objects (industrial production, at core, is the conversion of the living trees or mountains into the dead two-by-fours and beer cans) is insane.
 Deep inside, we all know this. And yet we cannot speak it to ourselves, because we are afraid. We are afraid of losing what we have. And so we stand by.
 But we are afraid of something else. We are afraid of not belonging. Even when the whole social system is insane, we still fear to be excluded from it. Just yesterday I took my mom to Wal-Mart to exchange a new phone that didn't work. Now, before you shout hypocrite, recognize that in this small town Wal-Mart has already wreaked its damage, and Radio Shack was her only other choice. There was a line at the return counter, and it was a nice day, so I waited outside. On one bench sat a woman eating a sandwich, and on another sat a man smoking a cigarette. I often prefer the company of bushes to humans anyway so I sat on the curb near some imprisoned pyracanthias. Now here's the point: I could tell that those who walked by, especially Wal-Mart employees, were uncomfortable that I was sitting in an unauthorized spot. And I know the problem was where I was sitting: I didn't have unauthorized long hair, nor unauthorized body odor, nor unauthorized dirty clothes, nor was I frowning in some unauthorized manner. But I could feel that people wanted me to move, and consequently I could feel myself wanting to move, to get back in line. The feeling was almost overpowering.
 The same psychological pressures to conform would be at work were I instead poised at a mass media magazine rack, choosing between Soldier of Fortune, Penthouse, or Car and Driver. At the next level this pressure might cause me to stand with a chainsaw in my hand, pointing it at an ancient tree, or, in another circumstance, to aim a pistol at a Russian Jew kneeling beside a pit filled with writhing bodies. We should never underestimate the power of internalized social pressure to conform.
One of the smartest things the Nazis did was to coopt rationality, to coopt hope, to coopt short-term fear. At every step of the way it was in the Jews rational best interest to not resist: many Jews had the hope and this hope was cultivated by the Nazis that if they played along, followed the rules laid down by those in power, that their lives would get no worse, that they would not be murdered. They faced these questions: get an I.D. card, go to a ghetto, get into a cattle car or resist and possibly get killed. What happens when we ask ourselves the same questions? Would we rather get in the showers, or resist and risk getting killed?
The Jews who participated in the Warsaw Ghetto uprising including those who went on what they thought were suicide missions had a higher rate of survival than those who went along. Never forget that.
Here's something else important: A high-ranking security chief from South Africa's apartheid regime later told an interviewer what he had feared most about the rebel group African National Congress (ANC). He had not so much feared the ANC's acts of violence as he had feared that the ANC would convince the oppressed majority of Africans to disregard law and order, that is, to think and feel for themselves. Even the most powerful and highly trained security forces in the world would not, he'd said, have been able to stem that threat. When we come to see that the edicts of those in power carry no inherent moral or ethical weight, we become the free human beings we were born to be, capable of saying yes and capable of saying no.
 Remember that also.
 In the sixteenth century, ttiene de la Botie reminded us that when the powerful are insatiable, submission is fatal, that the more we submit ourselves to to the "law and order" of those in power, the more they will demand. He wrote that "the more tyrants pillage, the more they crave, the more they ruin and destroy; the more one yields to them, and obeys them, by that much do they become mightier and more formidable, the readier to annihilate and destroy. But if not one thing is yielded to them, if, without any violence they are simply not obeyed, they become naked and undone and as nothing, just as, when the root receives no nourishment, the branch withers and dies."
Sure, we are afraid. There is much to fear. But with a world being destroyed before our eyes, this belief that we have something to lose soon becomes an illusion. And the best guide I know to help lead me away from these illusions is my heart. Following my heart has never led me wrong.
 I think often of that grizzly bear, as I think, too, of the horses, cows, mice, chickens, geese, eagles, hawks, hummingbirds who have defended their loved ones. I think of the courage of bees who have flown at me, burrowed themselves into my hair to find a way to sting me, who have driven me away from their homes, at the inevitable cost of their lives. I think of the courage of salmon, who come back home year after year, who continue in the face of all that we are doing to them, or rather, all that we are allowing to be done to them.
 And I realize that before I can save them, I need to rely on them to save me, to teach me and help me remember what it is to love, what it is to step beyond my fears, what it is to act in defense of those I love.

I'm Cheating

2009-03-27T11:48:00.002-04:00

I have a MILLION things I could be writing about.... like, the results of our week with no computer or play station, the projects that the kids and I are currently working on, the horrific PMS that I have... Instead, I am going to post the same thing that I just posted on facebook. This is for all of you that are not on facebook to see my ramblings :) Enjoy...

Editor's Note: Please note that people DO change as they grow. My actions as a teenager aren't necessarily reflective of my adult activities =)

My Musical Influences

Okay, so I was tagged to do this at least a month ago. I have spent the entire time thinking of my answers. You may not think that this would be very consequential, but music has deeply shaped my life. My responses are somewhat in chronological order of my musical awakening. Now, a little window into me....

Think of 15 albums, CDs, LPs (if you're over 40) that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dig into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the wazzoo, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others (or more!), including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill.

1) Beastie Boys - License to Ill
Yeah, I'm sure this will get a chuckle or two... I was 8. We were living in New York. This was during my mother's snake handling days so music was the devil. I was, however, blessed with a sister who was 8 years older than me & very rebellious. I can remember the first time she put the tape in. We were dancing around the house, doing our chores, to this album. I don't have too many vivid memories of my childhood, but the ones that are vivid (& good) involve music. I mainly remember the elation I felt with every beat.

2) U2- Joshua Tree
Christmas of 1987. I had just turned 9. This was my Tiffany/Debbie Gibson stage. I suppose Lisa @ 16 knew that I needed some real musical influence. She gave me this tape for Christmas (or was it my birthday?). I listened to that tape until I wore it out and it came apart. I *still* love this album. It evolves with me.

3) The Doors - Soft Parade/Morrison Hotel
Okay - it is really just one song off of Soft Parade. Again, I was in the 7-9 age range. I was not allowed to have anything to do with MTV (see #1 above). I would sneak it in the afternoon when I was home alone (or with my sis). I remember seeing the video for Touch Me. This is now one of my least favorite songs by The Doors, but at the time I was mesmerized by Jim Morrison. A few years later, when I was 12-13, my friend, Diz, rekindled my fascination with Jim Morrison when she played Morrison Hotel for me. I have been in love ever since. The man was a genius.....

4) The Beatles - White Album
Moving on in the time continuum, I was in the 7th grade (12-13) when I discovered this tape in my sister's collection. I ganked it from her & never gave it back. I listened to this tape every night before I went to bed. It fit my angst beautifully at the time.

5) Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
This was my first CD. It came my way when I was 13.5. This coincided with me watching The Wall with Diz. Again, the CD & the movie fit my angst & obsession with hallucinogens....

6) Jane's Addiction - can't narrow it down to one: Triple X, Nothing Shocking, Ritual de lo Habitual were all continuously playing & influential. Perry Farrell has a beautiful mind. This band helped me realize that I didn't have to fit into any mold but my own. Read "To The Mosquitoes" if you haven't already : http://janesaddiction.org/discographies/disc_details.phtml?discID=34

7) Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes
Another introduction by Diz. I seriously owe so much of my musical awakening to that woman! Anyway, my clearest memory is of us wandering the streets of Diamond Springs, screaming Violent Femmes lyrics at the top of our lungs, namely "Blister in the Sun"

8) Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes
I was at a raging house party when I heard "Silent All These Years" for the first time. It was on MTV (still can't remember why the friggin' TV was on at a party) and I made the people in the room shut up so I could hear the lyrics. So much of this song was reflective of my childhood, it moved me to tears. She is still one of my favorite female artists to this day.

9) Nirvana - Never Mind
Okay... I was 13 when this album came out. It rocked me. It introduced me to the world of punk, grunge, & teen angst. Need I say more?

10) Pearl Jam - Ten
I just loved Eddie Vedder's lyrics. It wasn't really the music that moved me. It was his voice and words that spoke to me. His music speaks to me today as well as his lyrics & voice. The man finally has it right.....

11) Cypress Hill - Cypress Hill/Black Sunday
I know what you're thinking - say what? :) I was 12 when I heard their self titled album. It was just a different style of rap & it stuck out to me. I LOVED their beats. I was 13 to 14 years old when Black Sunday came out. Diz's parents were in the Navy. They both had a six month cruise over summer vacation & they left her home alone. We woke up every afternoon & put this album on as we made our breakfast....

12) Tom Petty - Full Moon Fever
I'm random, I know... Back to summer of '92...and back to Diz... There was one night in particular that this tape was played over and over. I still love this album. It is just a great sing along album, even if I can't sing....

13) L7 - Bricks are Heavy
This is when I discovered that women can kick ass & take names too. This opened me up to all kind of feminazi rockers. i ♥ Donita Sparks.

14) Grateful Dead - American Beauty
I was all kinds of late in my discovery of Jerry Garcia. I had *just* started to listen to them when Jerry died. This album, again played on repeat with psychedelic influences, opened up the doors to blue grass, phish & festivals. I am forever grateful....

15) Bob Dylan & Joan Baez
Okay, I'm kind of cheating on this one by combining two artists. I am also stepping out of my chronological order as well. Prior to age 4. my mother listened to these two artists the most. Folk music was a HUGE influence in my life prior to Mom finding Jesus. I didn't realize the influence until I was 14 to 15 years old and started listening to each artist again on my own. It was this weird experience where I would be able to sing along with the lyrics although it was my "first" time hearing the song. I remember the day I discovered Bob Dylan's song "Sara". I called my mom all excited to ask if that was where she got my name from. Not so much... Anyway, I digress. I love both of these artists. They introduced me to the world of grass roots movements.....

Okay, this does it. Obviously this list does not encompass every single artist I love. There are SO many more: Dead Kennedy's, Soul Coughing, Bjork, etc. These, however, document my awakening to the world around me. Hope you have enjoyed this little window into my world...

About that Sabbatical....

2009-03-11T09:18:00.006-04:00

Okay, so Teddy took the play station away from Evan for a week without really consulting me first. Not that he has to - he's his parent too. It was just that I was going to do it in a little more smoother manner and it wasn't going to be as a punishment. This has botched my plans a little. My ability to procrastinate has been taken away from me (ha ha!). Furthermore, Evan is going to be CLAMORING to get it back in a week rather than enjoying his time away from the video games. Well... maybe not. Maybe if I make it fun he won't notice it's gone. Wow - that sounds like wishful thinking!

Teddy surprised the kids this morning with one of those throw rugs that has the town and roads on it. They are busy playing with matchbox cars on it and creating some type of pretend story line to go with it. They are currently occupied but I plan on introducing a few other ideas to them. Here they are...

1) Make a loaf of banana bread.
Both Evan and Kaya have been enjoying their newfound love for cooking. I have been loving every minute of this because it allows me to bring math into our day to day without forcing the subject on them. I have learned SO much about their math strengths and weaknesses by observing them through this process. Evan (9), who attended public school for three years, has a REALLY hard time wrapping his brain around fractions. Kaya (5), who has never had any formal education, grasps the fraction concept very easily. I am realizing that Evan missed some logic development during his mathematical education in the public school setting. I have also observed that he clamors to give me the right answer rather than use logic to problem solve. We have been working on basic logic skills so we can get him over his hang-up of giving the "right" answer.

2) Make a bird feeder.

Spring is here. The children and I are ecstatic. This winter was particularly harsh for us having spent the last two winters in Phoenix, AZ. To make it all the more difficult, we have been a one car family since July. It would be days on end that it would just be too cold & wet to walk anywhere these last few months. We have truly had cabin fever. In the last three weeks, we have moved into our new place and have enjoyed some great and not so great weather that comes this time of year, especially here in Hampton Roads. We have a really neat Holly Tree that is outside the Northwest side of our duplex. You get a great view of the treetop from the kids room and the bottom from the living room. There is a Mockingbird (or a cat bird - does anyone know if they are two different names for the same bird?) that lives in the tree. She is VERY territorial over the tree and its berries. Every so often though, the other birds invade. The other day we spotted five female blue jays! Anyway, I digress... I think it would be a great idea for the kids and I to construct a bird feeder to place somewhere away from the tree for the other birds. I'd like it to be at good place to view from the interior of our home so that way the cats can get some entertainment as well. The birds are a sure sign that spring is here and I want to embrace this :)

3) Explore two new books.

Meet James a.k.a. Uncle Jimmy:

This is Teddy's Uncle. He lives in Tucson, AZ. We became very close while we lived in Phoenix. James has never had any children. When Teddy and I first married, he told me about his Uncle who "hates kids". This made me anxious when we first had him for a visit in Phoenix. I am not one to put up with my children being treated in a ill manner, especially in THEIR home. Well, long story short, he LOVED (and continues to love) our children. This was a metamorphosis that shocked Teddy and pleased me very much. We have all missed James very much since leaving Arizona. James has missed us as well. He has sent the kids two books in the last three months that are just out of this world.

The first one he sent was "Make it Work! : Native Americans. The hands - on approach to history"

The second book he sent was this one:

The first book has multiple hands on activities on every page. I think that if we dive deep enough into this book, we could stay busy with it alone for two months. I am not expecting it to hold my children's attention exclusively though. The second book features a different jazz artist for each letter of the alphabet. I for one know NOTHING about these wonderful artists. I was thinking we could read the book, head to the library and see which CD's we can find by each artist. Again, depending on how enthralled the kids are, we could really dive deep in this book as well.

Well, I could keep going, listing all of my ideas, but the children are done being occupied. Time to log off for the week! I'll let you guys know what the results are when we are done :)

Wish me luck!!

National Grammar Day

2009-03-11T08:57:00.006-04:00

http://spogg.org

March 4th was national grammar day. Obviously, I am a week late; however, better late than never, as they say!

My grammar has become ATROCIOUS in the last few years. I blame it on the rapid-fire world of the internet. I no longer proof read prior to hitting send. I just type and go. This has resulted in a few minor embarrassments for me. I do believe I am going to brush the dust off my Little Brown Handbook and make an honest attempt to return to the proper grammar I once knew.

Perhaps you will too!

Taking a Sabbatical

2009-03-10T08:40:00.005-04:00

Okay, so maybe I won't be signed off for THAT long... I am going to sign off for a week. I'm challenging my son to do the same - no electronics for either of us for an entire week. I want to see what all we accomplish and do together once our electrical vices are removed. I just haven't decided when this week will start. I am thinking I will start it tomorrow, but I may find that I need a little propaganda time to make it seem like a challenge to Evan rather than a punishment. Kaya really doesn't care much for video games or the computer so she will be easy to convince. Evan and I - well, that's a bit more challenging.

Our family has done this previously, with the TV, back in 2006. We went a week without any TV whatsoever. We found that we didn't miss it at all. Teddy and I accomplished more around the house. The children, Teddy, and I spent much more quality time together as well. The eventual result was us getting rid of cable first, then finally getting rid of our large family TV altogether. I don't think it will be realistic to think that this week free of electronics will result in us ridding ourselves of a computer or a playstation. I DO think it will help us realize the importance of limiting their day to day use. Well, this is my hypothesis at least.

The funny things that stick...

2009-02-20T09:55:00.003-05:00

Teddy and I were driving this morning. I asked him to "roll down the window". He started laughing & pointed out that the windows are automatic. He said, "Have you ever stopped to think about the phrases that have stuck with us despite the change in technology?" So, I started thinking. What phrases do I regularly use that are really no longer applicable?
"Can you rewind that song?"
"They have a new album out"
That's all I can think of at the moment. I thought it would be fun to see what you all come up with as well :)
TGIF!!!

iPhones & Bubble Wrap

2009-02-19T09:04:00.003-05:00

I thought iPhones were the biggest waste of money and time I had ever seen. That is, until I came across this: bubble wrap.

I think this application alone makes the phone worth it. Think about it: you're grocery shopping. The kids are climbing the wall - hand them the iPhone and have them start "popping" bubble wrap! Better yet - you're waiting to see the doctor. You're starting to feel stressed out. Pop bubble wrap! Who doesn't feel less stressed after popping bubble wrap?? Granted, you might just annoy everyone around you, but hey! You'll feel better :)

Alfie Kohn

2009-02-14T20:57:00.004-05:00

I stumbled across some videos of Alfie Kohn on parenting. I read Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting back in November. I LOVED it. I immediately thought "Why couldn't I have read this book BEFORE becoming a parent?" Oh well, at least I found it. It was one of the books that verbalized all these feelings and thoughts I had floating around my head yet couldn't quite wrap them into words. It just really spoke to me. Maybe it will speak to you.

Alfie Kohn
Embedding was disabled so check out the website: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUKLOI2acZo

Your Mind is Your Predicament

2009-02-13T10:04:00.003-05:00

Okay, so here's the next passage that I want to share from the same book....

"The truth probably lies somewhere in between, don't you think?"

Without taking his eyes off the vegetables, Socrates said, "Your "in between' is hell, from my perspective."

Defensively I asked, "Is it just me whose the moron, or do you specialize in working with the spiritually handicapped?"

" You might say that," he smiled, pouring sesame oil into the wok and setting it on the hot plate to warm. "But nearly all of humanity shares your predicament."

"And what is that?"

" I thought I had already explained that," he said patiently. "If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change, free of pain, free of the obligation of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality."

"Socrates, you can really be depressing, you know that? I don't even think I'm hungry anymore. If life is nothing but suffering, then why bother at all?"
"Life is not suffering; it's just that you will suffer it, rather than enjoy it, until you let go of your mind's attchments and just go for the ride freely, no matter what happens."

Socrates dropped the vegetables and tofu into the sizzling wok, stirring. A delicious aroma filled the office as he divided the crisp vegetables onto two places and set them on his old desk, which served as our dining table.

"I think I just got my appetite back," I said.

Socrates laughed, then ate in silence, taking small morsels with his chopsticks. I gobbled the food in about 30 seconds; I guess I was really hungry. While Socrates finished his meal, I asked him, " So what are the positive uses of the mind?"

He looked up from his plate. "There aren't any." With that , he calmly returned to his meal.

"Aren't any! Socrates, that's really crazy. What about the creations of the mind? The books, libraries, arts? What about all the advances of our society that were generated by brilliant minds?"

He grinned, put down his chopsticks, and said, "There aren't any brilliant minds." then he carried the plates to the sink.

"Socrates, stop making these irresponsible statements and explain yourself!"

He emerged from the bathroom, bearing aloft two shining plates. "I'd better redefine some terms for you. 'Mind' is one of those slippery terms like 'love.' The proper definition depends on your state of consciousness. Look at it this way: You have a brain that directs the body, stores information, and plays with that information. We refer to the brain's abstract processes as 'the intellect.' Nowhere have I mentioned mind. The brain and the mind are not the same. The brain is real; the mind isn't.

"'Mind' is an illusory reflection of cerebral fidgeting. It comprises all the random, uncontrolled thoughts that bubble into awareness from the subconscious. Consciousness is not mind; awareness is not mind; attention is not mind. Mind is an obstruction, an aggravation. It is a kind of evolutionary mistake in the human being, a primal weakness in the human experiement. I have no use for the mind."

I sat in silence, breathing slowly. I didn't exactly know what to say. Soon enough, though, the words came. I'm not sure what you're tlaking about, but you sound really sincere."

He just smiled and shrugged.

"Soc," I continued, "do I cut off my head to get rid of my mind?"

Smiling, he said, "That's one cure, but it has undesirable side effects. The brain can be a tool. It can recall phone numbers, solve math problems, or create poetry. In this way, it works for the rest of the body, like a tractor. But when you can't stop thinking of that math problem or phone number, or when troubling thoughts and memories arise without your intent, it's not your brain working, but your mind wandering. Then the mind controls you; then the tractor has run wild."

"I get it."

"To really get it, you must observe yourself to see what I mean. You have an angry thought bubble up and you become angry. It is the same with all of your emotions. They're your kneejerk responses to thoughts you can't control. Your thoughts are like wild monkeys stung by a scorpion."

"Socrates, I think..."

"You think too much!"

"I was just going to tell you that I'm really willing to change. That's one thing about me; I've always been open to change."

"That," said Socrates, "is one of your biggest illusions. You've been willing to change clothes, hairstyles, women, apartments, and jobs. You are all too willing to change anything except yourself, but change you will. Either I help you open your eyes or time will, but time is not always gentle," he said ominously. "Take your choice. But first realize that you're in prison - then we can plot your escape."

Be Prepared...

2009-02-13T09:20:00.003-05:00

I am about to bombard everyone. I am currently reading Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. I have two passages that I want to share. Here's the first one:

"My mind rebelled at his helpless-old-man ploy, but my heart was drawn to this robust old eccentric who claimed to be some kind of warrior. I sat back down. Then a story my grandfather had told me came to mind:

There was once a beloved king whose castle was on a high hill, overlooking his shire. He was so popular that the nearby townspeople sent him gifts daily, and his birthday celebration was enjoyed throughout the kingdom. The people loved him for his renowned wisdom and fair judgments.

One day, tragedy struck the town. The water supply was polluted, and every man, woman, and child went insane. Only the king, who had a private spring, was spared.

Soon after the tragedy, the mad townspeople began speaking of how the king was acting "strangely" and how his judgments were poor and his wisdom a sham. Many even went so far s to say that the king had gone crazy. His popularity soon vanished. No longer did the people bring him gifts or celebrate his birthday.

The lonely king, high on the hill, had no company at all. One day he decided to leave the hill and pay a visit to the town. It was a warm day, and so he drank from the village fountain.

That night there was a great celebration. The people rejoiced, for their beloved king had "regained his sanity".

I realized then that the crazy world that Socrates had referred to was not his world at all, but mine. "

I just felt that this was great food for thought. I often think that I am crazy for viewing the world the way I do. Maybe I'm not the crazy one afterall :)

Beauty Standards

2009-02-06T09:19:00.007-05:00

I read Melina's post with great interest. I immediately thought of a conversation I had last weekend with my uncle and my sister . My sister began teasing me about the cluster of grey hair I have coming through on the crown on my head. She asked, "When are you going to dye your hair?" My sister and my mother like to periodically ask me this question. They think that if they ask me enough I might change my answer. I gave her my standard reply: "I don't have any plans to dye my hair". This produced an immediate and strong reaction from my uncle. I listened to him emphatically explain about how I HAVE to dye my hair. Grey hair on a woman is SO unattractive. It will make me look much older than I am. Finally, it would be unfair to my husband because it will appear as if he is married to a much older woman. I smiled and, for the most part, kept my mouth shut (I have learned in my 30 years when it's worth it to defend my ideals and when it's just a waste of energy). I responded "I've learned to not say never but I highly doubt I will change my mind. I have no plans to dye my hair" and changed the subject. Yet this conversation bothered me and, obviously, stuck with me. Reading Melina's blog brought it back to the surface.

The one thought that has always ran through my head is this: why is it SO bad to look your age? Who are we primping for? Why do we waste so much time and energy doing our hair and makeup? Why do we put ourselves through pain and trauma (e.g. plastic surgery) just to meet this impossible beauty standard that our culture gives us?

As I followed this train of thought, I was reminded of a passage written by Derrick Jensen in The Culture of Make Believe . I want to share it with you here (p.125):

He said, "I still think we can make a case for intent. Say, for example, a group of people live in a community that values relationships more highly than material objects."

He was, of course, describing the vast majority of communities through human existence.

He continued. "Now, introduce television. TV is based on creating dissatisfaction. It cannot exist without dissatisfaction. Happy people make bad consumers."

I remembered a conversation I'd had earlier this year with Kalle Lasn, an anti-corporate, anti-consumeristic culture-jamming activist who runs Adbusters Magazine out of Vancouver, British Columbia. He'd told me, "The first agenda of the commercial media is to sell fear, because it breeds insecurity, and then consumer culture offers us any number of ways to buy our way back to feeling secure, however temporarily. We're fed these images of what we're supposed to look like: pouting lips, pert breasts, buns of steel, everlasting youth."

"White," I added.

He continued, "It's not possible to internalize again and again these images of what's beautiful and what's desirable without having that affect your self-perception. And it alters the very foundation of your personality. It distorts your sexuality. What does it mean that so many of us are willing to give up so much of our power, voluntarily and systematically, to strangers? What does it mean that the most private parts of ourselves - how we are in a relationship to ourselves and to those we love - have been designed in great measure by those who have no interest in us other than that we feel insecure enough to buy their products?"

I told John this, then told him that I think the problem with television is even more fundamental than just causing insecurity. The problem is existential. We all know what happens when you introduce television into indigenous communities. In her book, Ancient Futures: Learning from Ladakh, Helena Norberg-Hodge commented that the "incredible vitality and joy that I experienced in the villages was almost certainly connected to the fact that the excitement in life was here and now, with you and in you. People did not feel that they were on the periphery; the center was where they were." The arrival of television changed all this, she said, because "idealized stars make people feel inferior and passive, and the here and now pales in comparison with the colorful excitement of faraway places."

Okay, so this went a little off the path and into the woods, so to speak. It still drives home the fact that we have to see through the noise. We need to realize that it is just marketing bullshit hammered into our heads, beginning at a very young age, until we believe in some facet of it enough that we purchase these products and make the attempt to live up to these "expectations" of us. I, for one, refuse. I will not dye my hair. I will embrace what the great spirit has blessed me with and be proud of who I am, without any product.

Rise

2009-02-03T06:23:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning from a dream singing this song. I have a habit of being able to sing the music to the song, but not know the lyrics. I looked up the lyrics as soon as I sat down at the computer. I thought I'd share them with you, as well as the video.

Rise

Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow

Gonna rise up
Burning back holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
And suddenly swallowed by signs
Low and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole

Moving...AGAIN

2009-01-29T12:02:00.006-05:00

Yes, I'm a a masochist. What can I say? John (a.k.a. Bonus Dad) told Teddy when we first got married that we needed to put all of our shit on wheels. Boy, was he right :)

Okay, so how many times have we moved since we married in 11/2001?

1) into Vantage Point in October of '01

2) out of vantage into 5545 Forest View Dr (I'm not apartment material) in Feb '02

3) from Forest View out to Christiansburg so I could return to VT in Dec '02.

4) We found a perfect country home in April of '04. We moved from Christiansburg to Sugar Maple Lane in Newport.

5) I graduated from VT in May of '05. We moved from Newport back to Virginia Beach, into the same neighborhood (5521 Aurora Dr - blue house on the right).

6) Stayed in VB until October of 2006 when we decided to give Phoenix a try.

7) Came back from Phoenix in August of 2008 and moved into this place. It's the brown building on the corner. We're on the second floor.

8) Now, January of '09, we're outta here and into this. We will be in the left side of that white house. It's so much more living space and better section of the neighborhood. No more sirens directly under our bedroom window. Hopefully not as many drunks waking us up at 1:30am. We will not be living in an apartment, having to hear all of our neighbors! I have discovered that I can tolerate living in small quarters, but I don't prefer it. I really hate being subjected to other people's lack of consideration. Best of all, the ambience in the new place is infinitely better than our current living arrangements. Not to mention we'll have GOOD maintenance (I know the landlord :) ) and HEAT!! I would NOT recommend for anyone to rent from Norfolk Property Development. They just don't care about their properties AT ALL and it is evident when you look at their appearance. They just aren't worth the hassle unless you are REALLY hard up, which we were when we first arrived :)

So, now I'm off to pack boxes again. It was just yesterday that I was ready to lose my mind packing and unpacking, yet I am still excited to be getting outta here. I'm ready to feel at home.

To all my vegetarian/vegan friends

2009-01-28T15:40:00.004-05:00

Please take a moment and tell me what your favorite cook books and/or recipes are. I am taking the plunge into removing animal products from our food, but I don't know what to make. Help me por favor :)

How do you keep up with all the blogs?

2009-01-27T08:47:00.004-05:00

This has been a frustrating issue for me since I entered the blogging world. How do I possibly remember to check all of these awesome blogs that I read? I tried to keep the blogs bookmarked and would attempt to check it once a day. It became rather cumbersome, especially when you repeatedly check a blog only to discover it STILL hasn't been updated (sounds like my blog, huh?).
Well, thanks to Shez , I discovered Google Reader . Now, there may be other tools similar to this out there that I don't know about, but so far I am pleased with this application. I highly recommend using google reader if you don't utilize this tool (or anything like it) to keep up with your blog reading. All I have to do is the add the URL to the blog I like and google keeps up with all of the posts. All of your updates come to one site. It also allows you access to past blogs, not just the news ones. So, on those occasions that you skim a blog, come across something you want to delve deeper into but don't have the time, you can always go back. You can also "star" an item that you want to go back to again in order to avoid having to dig back through all of the posts to find the one you are looking for. The only drawback to using the reader is that you cannot leave a comment directly to the blog via the reader. You have to click the link to the blog itself, which pops up in another window, in order to leave your comment. Not really a big deal, but the only draw back that I can see thusfar.
Okay, stepping down off my pulpit now... more writing to occur later!

It has been brought to my attention...

2009-01-16T11:05:00.003-05:00

...that I have not written in awhile. It's not that I don't have anything to say because I do. I just haven't been able to carve out the time to really write about what's been on my mind or what has been going on in my life. I will be writing again soon, I promise.

The Cat of Many Names

2008-12-27T12:03:00.013-05:00

My wonderful neighbors from Phoenix call us the cat gypsies. I must admit we've rightfully earned the name, but it wasn't without their assistance. You see, a year ago we had one cat named Fred

We've had Fred since May 2002. Fred lived with my sister for the year prior to that. Before my sister, he lived with two other people. I guess you could say Fred was the original gypsy, not us. Anyway, the Friday prior to Christmas '07, I had to rush Fred to the vet. He was vomiting. The last time he had vomited like that I almost lost him due to a urinary tract blockage. I didn't mess around. We found out that afternoon that Fred was in kidney failure; he had lost 75% of his kidney function. The vet told us we could have a few more days with him or a few more years. Needless to say, this wasn't the wonderful news we wanted to hear during the holidays. Just so you know, it's been a year and Fred is doing wonderfully. More on that later....

A few days after getting the bad news about Fred, two cats show up at our front door. Literally. I thought it was Fred meowing to come in. I opened the door and in run these two:
It was one of those rare nights in Phoenix where it was actually going to be 32 degrees outside. They were both so sweet I couldn't possibly stick them back outside. I got Teddy to agree to allow them to stay in the garage, even though they ended up with free reign of the house. Fred didn't come home until the next morning. He was NOT thrilled, but he adapted. Meanwhile, I posted fliers all over the neighborhood trying to find the cats rightful owner. I had the fliers up for almost two weeks and didn't receive a single call. Meanwhile, Ann and Rhonda told me, repeatedly, that it is good luck when a cat chooses you, let alone TWO cats. "You just have to keep them" :) Of course, I am a softy. When no one claimed them, I happily became their new owner.

Now, fast forward to July 2008. Teddy and I made the decision to move back to VA in about a 48 hour period. Fred was okay at this point, but not really happy in the house. Sassy (the big boned fluffy cat) pretty much tormented Fred whenever he came inside. Besides, Fred has always loved being outdoors, even in the heat of the Phoenix summer. That cat was in heaven after we moved from VA to AZ. He brought me lizards and humming birds every chance he got. He loved lounging on the stucco walls, soaking in the sun. It was actually pretty rare for him to come inside. I had MANY concerns with moving him back across country. He didn't do well on the ride out - he had passed his bowels all over himself in fear the first day we had been on the road to Arizona. He was healthy then, too! He had lost weight as a result of the move. He had gained it back, but with the kidney disease had lost weight again and wasn't putting it back on. How would he fair riding in the car again, this time with two more cats? Furthermore, he is a sprayer. We would be staying with my parents upon our arrival back in VA until we could find a place. They have a male cat, Herbert:
I knew Fred would be spraying all over the place, not to mention that he'd be stuck in the house with three other cats! Not good times for Freddie boy. Last but not least, we knew we'd be living in Ghent. I knew there was NO WAY I'd be able to let him out around here and feel good about it. I'd be worried about him getting hit by car, at the very least (According to my friend Lydia, I'd also need to be worried about PETA breathing down my throat as well). I was hashing this all out to Ann and Rhonda, trying to figure out how to proceed in Fred's best interests, when they offered to keep him. This was a HUGE relief to us. I knew they would love him just as much (if not more) as we had and that he'd be SO much happier not to have to go through the trauma of a six day ride or being kept indoors. This was incredibly difficult for me as well. Even though I knew that this was best for Fred, I loved my kitty and didn't want to be without him. I just did what was best for him rather than for us. To date, Fred has done exceedingly well in Ann & Rhonda's care. He has gained weight back and stays very close to home these days. From all I hear, he is a very happy old man.

Once we arrived in Norfolk, we kept Smokey and Sassy up on the third floor for about two days. Herbert had time to sniff them and determine that there were others in his territory. He really didn't seem to care, other than just exhibiting signs of curiosity. We let the two cats loose on the third day. Herbert and Smokey pretty much hit it off right away. Sassy was okay at first. As the days progressed, however, she became more and more bitchful towards Herbert. We were at my parents for two weeks until we moved into our own place. The cats continued to stay with my parents for the first three weeks we were in our new place. Sassy's behavior continued to decline. She tormented Herbert every chance she got. She began to knock things over on purpose (like the vase my mother had on a stand in the kitchen). It was time to bring Sassy home.

It was evident that Sassy missed Smokey within a day of her moving into the apartment. She moped. So, despite my mother telling me that Herbie and Smokey loved each other too much to be separated, I attempted to bring him home as well. He was NOT happy. First of all, he didn't have three floors to rip through ( he LOVES to run laps). Second of all, being on the corner of a busy road, it was too loud for him. He immediately hid under a dresser and wouldn't come out. I couldn't do it to him. I took him back to mom's. He's been there ever since.
Now, what to do for Sassy's lonliness? Here's where I get to the point of this babbling blog :) We adopted a kitten from the SPCA on October 12. We named him Raz in honor of my godmother's Dad who had passed the same day:

We named him Raz, but Teddy and I called him ( and some days, still do) the shitten. Around the kids, we'll call him Mr. Mittens

This picture shows you why... look at those paws! You can also see that little spot of white on his chin, so that led us to calling him Cheebah. Hmmm.... other names have included Razamataz, Bat Boy, parrot man, gator(he makes a sound like a baby gator), and more that I can't remember right now. I'll have to update this when I do :) I joke that he doesn't know his name because he has so many.

Million dollar question: what does Sassy think of him? I think the picture below says it all:

Where's our outrage part 2

2008-12-23T09:26:00.004-05:00

Yeah, so last night my "federalist" bonus dad (a.k.a John, VERY conservative) wanted to know where I got my numbers in my previous post. Of course, now I can't find the link. I started the search over and I find numbers ranging all over the place. I googled "total cost of bailout". So far, on the first page of results I am not seeing my original number of 8.4 Trillion; however, the "low" end is 4 Trillion, high end is 7.4 Trillion. But really, is 4 TRILLION any better??? Can you even wrap your brain around that number??? Here's a great way to put it : In simple terms (and using the accepted US numbering system) a million is a thousand thousand, a billion is a thousand million, and a trillion is a thousand billion, or a million million. To put that into perspective, if you stacked fresh, new US $1000 bills on top of each other, a stack worth US$1 million would be 109 millimetres high. A stack worth US$1 billion would be 109 metres high. The stack would reach about a third of the way up Sydney's Centrepoint Tower.

The stack of US$1000 bills needed to equal US$1 trillion would be 109 kilometres high. The Earth's atmosphere reaches out about 120 kilometres from the surface. (http://au.ibtimes.com/articles/20081204/how-much-four-trillion-dollars.htm)

So now, here's some articles discussing where the totals are coming from. You decide for yourself.

http://www.cnbc.com/id/27719011

http://abcnews.go.com/business/economy/Story?id=6332892&page=1

http://voltagecreative.com/blog/2008/11/scary-bailout-money-info-graphic/

This will get you going. Google for more if you're interested...

Topic Switch

2008-12-23T09:03:00.003-05:00

I decided I wanted to depart from my rants of the last few days....

I have a Christmas Cactus that I bought last year to replace the one I killed the year before. It was my challenge to keep this one alive. It was very touch and go last January after it bloomed. There were a few points that I just didn't think it was going to make it. I replanted it in the spring and nursed it along through the summer. It finally began to flourish. Everything was going well, then we decided to move back to Virginia from Arizona. Not only did this poor plant have to go through a 6 day move, it went from the desert to constant humidity. It started to go downhill again. I nursed it back to health and not only is it alive a year later, it has bloomed! Woo hoo! :)

Our money

2008-12-22T12:02:00.002-05:00

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: gabriel
Date: Dec 22, 2008 10:25 AM

...is gone...the banks can't, or won't, account for the first half of the 700billion dollar bailout they have received...go figure...i don't know about you, but, when i borrow money from a bank to buy things, i have to tell them what it's for, how long i intend to use it for, and how i plan on paying it back in a timely manner...i guess the banks who lend us the monies, and the wall street folks who invest the stuff, hide it, loose it, or steal it, don't exactly have to own up to the same standards, when it comes to large figures of cash that we the people can't even wrap our minds around...i dunno, whatever i guess...i mean, the economic downturn and collapse of the entire global monetary sysytem is only a small fraction of what it is that we will be dealing with for the next few years, or decades...centuries...good stuff i tell ya, it's the end of the world as we know it, and i feel fine...bwhahahahahahaa...

WASHINGTON – It's something any bank would demand to know before handing out a loan: Where's the money going?

But after receiving billions in aid from U.S. taxpayers, the nation's largest banks say they can't track exactly how they're spending the money or they simply refuse to discuss it.

"We've lent some of it. We've not lent some of it. We've not given any accounting of, 'Here's how we're doing it,'" said Thomas Kelly, a spokesman for JPMorgan Chase, which received $25 billion in emergency bailout money. "We have not disclosed that to the public. We're declining to. "

The Associated Press contacted 21 banks that received at least $1 billion in government money and asked four questions: How much has been spent? What was it spent on? How much is being held in savings, and what's the plan for the rest?

None of the banks provided specific answers.

"We're not providing dollar-in, dollar-out tracking," said Barry Koling, a spokesman for Atlanta, Ga.-based SunTrust Banks Inc., which got $3.5 billion in taxpayer dollars.

Some banks said they simply didn't know where the money was going.

"We manage our capital in its aggregate," said Regions Financial Corp. spokesman Tim Deighton, who said the Birmingham, Ala.-based company is not tracking how it is spending the $3.5 billion it received as part of the financial bailout.

The answers highlight the secrecy surrounding the Troubled Asset Relief Program, which earmarked $700 billion — about the size of the Netherlands' economy — to help rescue the financial industry. The Treasury Department has been using the money to buy stock in U.S. banks, hoping that the sudden inflow of cash will get banks to start lending money.

There has been no accounting of how banks spend that money. Lawmakers summoned bank executives to Capitol Hill last month and implored them to lend the money — not to hoard it or spend it on corporate bonuses, junkets or to buy other banks. But there is no process in place to make sure that's happening and there are no consequences for banks who don't comply.

"It is entirely appropriate for the American people to know how their taxpayer dollars are being spent in private industry," said Elizabeth Warren, the top congressional watchdog overseeing the financial bailout.

But, at least for now, there's no way for taxpayers to find that out.

Pressured by the Bush administration to approve the money quickly, Congress attached nearly no strings on the $700 billion bailout in October. And the Treasury Department, which doles out the money, never asked banks how it would be spent.

"Those are legitimate questions that should have been asked on Day One," said Rep. Scott Garrett, R-N.J., a House Financial Services Committee member who opposed the bailout as it was rushed through Congress. "Where is the money going to go to? How is it going to be spent? When are we going to get a record on it?"

Nearly every bank AP questioned — including Citibank and Bank of America, two of the largest recipients of bailout money — responded with generic public relations statements explaining that the money was being used to strengthen balance sheets and continue making loans to ease the credit crisis.

A few banks described company-specific programs, such as JPMorgan Chase's plan to lend $5 billion to nonprofit and health care companies next year. Richard Becker, senior vice president of Wisconsin-based Marshall & Ilsley Corp., said the $1.75 billion in bailout money allowed the bank to temporarily stop foreclosing on homes.

But no bank provided even the most basic accounting for the federal money.

"We're choosing not to disclose that," said Kevin Heine, spokesman for Bank of New York Mellon, which received about $3 billion.

Others said the money couldn't be tracked. Bob Denham, a spokesman for North Carolina-based BB&T Corp., said the bailout money "doesn't have its own bucket." But he said taxpayer money wasn't used in the bank's recent purchase of a Florida insurance company. Asked how he could be sure, since the money wasn't being tracked, Denham said the bank would have made that deal regardless.

Others, such as Morgan Stanley spokeswoman Carissa Ramirez, offered to discuss the matter with reporters on condition of anonymity. When AP refused, Ramirez sent an e-mail saying: "We are going to decline to comment on your story. "

Most banks wouldn't say why they were keeping the details secret.

"We're not sharing any other details. We're just not at this time," said Wendy Walker, a spokeswoman for Dallas-based Comerica Inc., which received $2.25 billion from the government.

Heine, the New York Mellon Corp. spokesman who said he wouldn't share spending specifics, added: "I just would prefer if you wouldn't say that we're not going to discuss those details. "

The banks which came closest to answering the questions were those, such as U.S. Bancorp and Huntington Bancshares Inc., that only recently received the money and have yet to spend it. But neither provided anything more than a generic summary of how the money would be spent.

Lawmakers say they want to tighten restrictions on the remaining, yet-to-be-released $350 billion block of bailout money before more cash is handed out. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said the department is trying to step up its monitoring of bank spending.

"What we've been doing here is moving, I think, with lightning speed to put necessary programs in place, to develop them, implement them, and then we need to monitor them while we're doing this," Paulson said at a recent forum in New York. "So we're building this organization as we're going. "

Warren, the congressional watchdog appointed by Democrats, said her oversight panel will try to force the banks to say where they've spent the money.

"It would take a lot of nerve not to give answers," she said.

But Warren said she's surprised she even has to ask.

"If the appropriate restrictions were put on the money to begin with, if the appropriate transparency was in place, then we wouldn't be in a position where you're trying to call every recipient and get the basic information that should already be in public documents," she said.

Garrett, the New Jersey congressman, said the nation might never get a clear answer on where hundreds of billions of dollars went.

"A year or two ago, when we talked about spending $100 million for a bridge to nowhere, that was considered a scandal," he said.

___

Associated Press writers Stevenson Jacobs in New York and Christopher S. Rugaber and Daniel Wagner in Washington contributed to this report

Duck!

2008-12-21T18:50:00.002-05:00

Here's some mindless fun for you!

Where is our outrage?????

2008-12-19T10:30:00.003-05:00

I read the paper yesterday morning. The headline had to do with the budget cuts/new cigarette tax hike that Gov. Kaine has proposed in order to make up the 2.9 Billion dollar budget shortfall in Virginia. Yes, I am currently a smoker. No, I am NOT upset about the tax hike. Here's what I am upset about: the $418 million in cuts to Medicaid for indigent and disabled Virginians. I have a neighbor whose mother has been disabled and unable to work for 12 years. Wanna know how much "help" she gets? $650 a month and $58 in food stamps. That's it. My neighbor has had to pay her own rent and her mother's rent to keep her mom from being homeless. Now, they will be cutting access and programs for healthcare. Seriously?

Now here's what has me IRATE today: Bush has announced the auto rescue.
So, let's recap here: so far, without including today's bailout, we have handed out 8.5 TRILLION F'ING DOLLARS to the banks. Now, add, 13.4 Billion to three auto makers who refused to produce a better product and can't understand why they aren't selling their product. The American auto industry has essentially been thumbing its nose at the American people for nearly 30 years and now WE are bailing their asses out??

I just want to know this: Where is my neighbor's bailout? Where is the homeless man's bailout? Where's my bailout??? Why should we be expected to foot this burden (not just bill - it will be a burden as our dollar bottoms out and inflation goes through the roof. The greater depression is coming....) while these greedy slimes live the the good life ( google AIG ) ? Where is our OUTRAGE???

Phew. Sorry. Had to get that off of my chest....

Erasure

2008-12-18T10:32:00.004-05:00

So, in my quest to "fix" my blog (i.e. randomly add and delete various pieces of HTML that I *truly* have no idea what its function is...), I decided to delete the post where the problems began. I still would LOVE for you guys to check out the Stimulator. Check out his page @ http://submedia.tv/stimulator/

Really, open up the link to pdf postcard for President Bush. You'll at least get a chuckle.

Um, yeah....

2008-12-16T13:16:00.000-05:00

That last blog really didn't turn out the way I wanted it to but I am leaving it up since it took so much time to post.
In the meantime, check out the stimulator's page @ http://submedia.tv/stimulator/ to see the blog and the tasks at hand....

Humble Pie

2008-12-16T10:27:00.001-05:00

So, I have to eat a humble pie. Yes, you read that right: not just a a bite or a slice, but an ENTIRE pie.

I turned 30 Saturday. You know, the big 3-0. I told TR back in October that I wanted a party.I haven't had a party since I was.... hmmmm..... 8? I think? Anyway, I was embracing my inner child and wanted a big bash. His response? "Don't be a brat like Lisa. Just let it go and let me plan it!" You see, back in August, my older sister decided the week of her birthday that she wanted a party. She was a little put out that no one had any plans for her special day. Little did she know, Eric was busy behind the scenes planning a nice evening for her. Now I have to admit I fell prey to brat-itis as well....

For the last month, I've had friends and family ask me what I was doing for my birthday. "Do you have any special plans?" they asked repeatedly. "I don't know - ask Teddy" was my response time and time again. So, needless to say when my husband walked up to me Wednesday (12/10) and said "What do you want to do for your birthday?", I snapped. Snapped doesn't accurately capture it. I would say wild banshee woman took over. My eyes engulfed in flames, every muscle of my body quivering, I wheeled around on him and bitingly asked "What do you MEAN by that??? Do you mean to TELL me that it is three days away from my birthday and you don't have ANY plans??!!" (Teddy's Uncle James always says that you shouldn't ruin a good apology with an excuse but I am going to here for a moment; in my defense, I did have PMS.)

The next day, my sister helped him play up the horrible husband routine. She emails me and tells me how it was killing her that we didn't have any plans for my birthday so she made reservations for us all to go out to eat. Teddy joins in, says to me that night, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you wanted a party". Man, I was fuming. I knew my husband suffered from selective deafness from time to time, but this took the cake. I just could not wrap my head around his inattention to detail.

So, my friend Susan came in to town the day of my birthday. She and I went to VT together and I hadn't seen her since Floydfest in 2006. By this point, I was over being angry. I was actually beginning to be a little suspicious that something was going down. Mom was being WAY accommodating about picking the kids up Saturday night despite having a Christmas party to go with John. Not that this was bad, it just wasn't like my mom. Furthermore, she was being really weird about me being in her house during the week, which was so unlike her. Teddy telling me that I couldn't go over to my mom's Saturday morning made me the most suspicious though. I actually thought at this point something was going on at Mom's. I still thought we were all going out to eat Sushi Saturday night. Onward with the story....

Susan arrived in the late afternoon. I still had to get ready to go out. You see, since I have been unemployed, I have had NO sense of urgency about getting anywhere. Susan got a good dose of this slackness. She showed up while I was still in my PJ's, finishing up cleaning the apartment for her arrival. I didn't get into the shower for another hour. I then did my hair and make up, which by the way, I haven't done that in almost a year. We left a few minutes before six, which was when we were supposed to meet up at Lisa's house to go out to dinner.

We arrived at my sister's house about twenty after six. By this point, I knew something was up. Too many cars I recognized... It was still a surprise though. It was incredible. SOOOO many people there! In all, there were 30 children and adults there for my party; even Teddy's Aunt Lissa and Uncle Randy came from PA for the party!! My sister put together a slide show of pictures. It was from the baby stage all the way up to this year. Friends and family contributed these photos. Teddy had requested that distant friends who would be unable to attend make a video to send to me. I was able to see my other sister, Grace, via video thanks to her taking the time to put something together. Other friends also made videos but had technical difficulties so I haven't seen those yet. ( I am really looking forward to viewing their creativity when the time comes! ) Teddy knew how much I was missing Phoenix so he had decorated Lisa's house with pictures of Saguaro cacti - too neat. Then, to further prove to me just how much he listens, he told me that he had called Connie Ralston to see if she could do a drum circle for the party. Unfortunately, that didn't work out, but how flippin' sweet that he even thought to do it :)

The only person who was missing was my best friend Mary. She had a great excuse. Friday morning at 6:50, she welcomed her brand new baby, Lily Grace, into the world. Here's the beautiful family :

I *suppose* I can forgive her for her absence - LOL! I am very excited for them and even more excited to have a birthday buddy in the years to come.

So, how was my birthday? It was fantastic in every way and it was all thanks to my husband and family. I have officially eaten my humble pie.

Deletion, et.al.

2008-12-04T11:18:00.000-05:00

I deleted the last post. It served its purpose - cathartic release - so I have removed it. Thanks to everyone who responded. I took the words to heart. I think I know that I have to accept the situation, not like it. I know that I don't want that kind of deep seeded negativity in my life. I am chosing to walk away, but I also have to accept that it isn't just up to me either.
Speaking of walking away, I think I will only be getting online once a week here on out. I'm spending too much valuable time on the computer rather than getting things accomplished. My to-do list is getting too long :) I will write more soon....

FINALLY

2008-11-25T20:53:00.000-05:00

Be warned - this post will not be well written nor will it be concise. I promise that this is not a preview of what's to come :)

I have wanted to start a blog for probably the last year. I suppose I have technically had one for the last three years, but I wrote through myspace ( www.myspace.com/srhouston ). I went to college late and, as a result, acquired many younger friends who I kept up with post-graduation via myspace. I have found enjoyment with myspace but I feel like my audience is a bit narrow. I've wanted to widen the population of people who read my thoughts. So why haven't I done this before now? I couldn't' figure out what to name my page.

I know - how silly is that? This is just a little insight to how my mind can get tripped up on such minute details when I write. I have been known to put off college research papers for WEEKS because I just couldn't get one sentence quite right. This perfectionism is a disease and this blog is my way to get over it.

I don't know if I like the title. It may change. In reality, how important is the friggin' title? I just want an outlet to share my crazy ideas. The URL was pretty easy and I have to give credit to my "sisters" in Arizona for that name. Ann & Rhonda took my family and me under their wing while we lived in Phoenix. They ruined us - we now know that no matter where we live, we will never have neighbors as wonderful as them again. They have personally helped us out through so many difficult times and helped us create many fantastic memories of our time in the southwest. Their name for me is "Soul Sister Sara". I like it. It stuck, hence the URL.

I am just pleased that I have finally carved the time to get this little pet project underway. Now, I just have to figure out how to format the page to look the way I want it to :)