Perhaps some insight...

... into my crazy mind :) If you actually watch what I post on FB, then these will all be repeats for you...... Otherwise, enjoy!

So Much to do & Not enough time...

The kids and I have been BUSY!!! This is a good thing, obviously. I have so much I want to write about. I want to share all of our late adventures with you guys. Alas, I will not be able to do so today. I have TOO much to do to sit in front of the computer anymore today. You all will just have to hang in suspense - MUAH HA HA!!

I hope all of you are enjoying the spring weather. We sure are! Maybe I will get the chance to write tonight... until then, PEACE!!

Fear NOT

I came across the following essay by Derrick Jensen http://www.derrickjensen.org/fear01.html I want to share it with you all. It is long, but a thought provoking, worthwhile read. 

How Do We Free Ourselves From the Trap of Fear? By Derrick Jensen 

I'm holding a newspaper clipping from 1996. The creases are torn, the page yellowed. The headline reads  "Mother bear charges trains." Trains had killed her two sons, and so this mother grizzly charged train after train after train.

At first I carried this clipping in my wallet, and then I taped it over my desk. It helps me remember what it means to be courageous, what it means to be alive.

I used to think the world is being destroyed by the greed, hatred, and insanity of those in power. Of course I still think that, as must anyone paying attention, but I see more and more how our own fearfulness causes us to collude with this destruction.

No, I'm not spewing the same old line about how because I use toilet paper I'm just as culpable for deforestation as the CEO of Weyerhaeuser. I'm not saying we need to have compassion for those who are killing the planet, that we need to drive all hatred out of our own hearts before we can stop those who are destroying our homes. I'm not perpetuating the magical thinking that proposes that we are all equally responsible for the destruction of the planet, and that if I personally and a bunch of other "environmentalists" collectively are just  pure enough, kind enough, loving enough, that things really will turn out okay.
Not at all. Because they won't.
I don't think the mother grizzly worried about the purity of her own heart. She merely followed her heart to act against those who had killed those she loved.
My culpability for deforestation is much more extreme than my mere use of toilet paper. My culpability is that I do not physically stop the deforesters, that I do not defend my home and the homes of those (humans and nonhumans) I love with the ferocity and love manifested by this bear.
We suffer from a misguided belief that love implies pacifism. I'm not sure mother grizzly bears would agree, nor many other mothers I've known. I've been attacked by mother horses, cows, mice, chickens, geese, eagles, hawks, and hummingbirds who thought I was threatening their children. I have known many human mothers who would kill anyone who was going to harm their little ones. If a mother mouse is willing to put her life on the line by attacking someone eight thousand times her size, what does that say about our own hearts? (The mother mouse won, by the way.)
I say that I love the salmon who swim up the streams near my home, but the salmon are being driven extinct, and what do I do to help them? I write about them, sing love songs to them, stand and watch with tear-stained face as they spawn in silted streams. But what do I do?
The problem is not complex. If I really care about salmon, I need to remove dams, I need to stop industrial forestry and commercial fishing, and I need to stop global warming. These are actually straightforward technical tasks. But I don't do them.
Why not?
I can come up with all sorts of pseudo-intellectual, pseudo-spiritual, or pseudo-moral reasons, but when I'm honest with myself the real reason underlying all of the others is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I act effectively the police will kill me or put me in prison forever. I'm afraid that if I act effectively I will be an outcast from this society. I'm afraid that if I act effectively, some people won't like me. They will judge me.
Here are some questions I've been thinking about lately. If Nazis or other fascists took over North America (long pause, the raising of one eyebrow) what would we all do? Consider Mussolini's definition of fascism: "Fascism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of State and corporate power." What if this occupied country called itself a democracy, but most everyone understood elections to be shams, with citizens allowed to choose between different wings of the same Fascist (or, following Mussolini, Corporate) party? What if protesting and other nonviolent dissent were opposed by storm troopers and secret police? Would we fight back? If a resistance movement already existed, would we join it?
And what would we do if those in power then instituted laws allowing them to put one-third of all Jewish males between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five into concentration camps? Substitute African-American for Jewish and ask yourself the same question.
Would we resist if the fascists irradiated the countryside, poisoned food supplies, deforested the continent, or made rivers too filthy for drinking or swimming? What if the fascists poisoned not only the land, but the bodies of those we love with dioxin (one of the most toxic substances known) and dozens of other carcinogens? I ask audiences at my talks how many have loved people who've been killed by cancer. About eighty percent raise their hands. Now, would we resist if those in power poisoned not just the bodies of those we love, but our own bodies?
If we won't fight back when our loved ones are dying and our own bodies are being poisoned, when will we take a stand? We each need to find our own threshold: the point at which we break free of our fear and act on behalf of those we love.
Why are we so terrified? What are we afraid of? Neither of these questions is rhetorical. They are, at this point, some of the most important questions we need to ask ourselves.
On the most basic level, fear is the belief that we have something to lose. And on one level, of course, we do have so very much to lose. We all know what those in power do to those who threaten them or their possessions. Jeffrey Leuers burned three SUVs in an act of symbolic resistance, and was sentenced to more than twenty-two years in prison, a far longer sentence than that typically given to rapists, to men who beat their wives to death, to chemical company CEOs whose decisions release into the world the toxins that give so many of us cancer. If we were to seriously threaten the perceived entitlement of those in power to convert the living world into consumer products to be sold, they would try to stop us by any means.
But there are more fears too. We know that we, those of us in the United States who are the primary physical beneficiaries of the exploitation, would lose access to some consumer products. What does it say about us that we are willing to accept the destruction of the planet in exchange for products like coffee, chocolate, cars, and electric blankets?
We all face choices. On the largest scale, we can have automobiles or we can have ice caps and polar bears. We can have dams and paper and wood products, or we can have salmon. We can have cardboard boxes or we can have living forests. We can have electricity and a world devastated by mining, or we can have neither: even solar electricity still requires an industrial infrastructure. We can have imported fruits, vegetables, meat, and coffee or we can have at least somewhat intact human and nonhuman communities in Latin America. 
Does this mean we should despair? Maybe. Despair is certainly an appropriate response to a desperate situation. But even more than this, we should simply recognize that these choices aren't really choices anyway: for more than ninety-nine percent of our existence, humans have lived quite happily without destroying their communities or the planet. These choices are the result of an aberrant and frankly bizarre way of living.
On a more personal level, we can flow along with the mainstream of a culture that does not serve us well, does not really make us happy, does not really make us comfortable, does not really make us safe; but only offers illusions of happiness, comfort, safety or we can begin the oftentimes prickly work of searching for our own hearts, for asking who and what we love, who and what we feel strongly enough about to change our lives for, to fight for, to live for. How about our own happiness? I've long had the habit of asking people if they like their jobs: about 90 percent say no. What does it mean when the vast majority of people spend the vast majority of their waking hours doing things they'd rather not do? How about your own health? How about the health of your children? How about their happiness (by which I don't mean the variety of toys at their disposal, but the actual quality of their lives)? How about the health and happiness of the land where you live? How about a planet not being killed? What is most important to you?
We can't have it all. The belief that we can is one of the things that has driven us to this awful place. If insanity could be defined as having lost functional connection with physical reality, to believe we can have it all, to believe we can simultaneously dismantle a world and live on it; to believe we can perpetually use more energy than the sun provides; to believe we can take more than the world gives willingly; to believe a finite world can support infinite growth, much less infinite economic growth that converts ever larger numbers of living beings to dead objects (industrial production, at core, is the conversion of the living trees or mountains into the dead two-by-fours and beer cans) is insane.
 Deep inside, we all know this. And yet we cannot speak it to ourselves, because we are afraid. We are afraid of losing what we have. And so we stand by.
 But we are afraid of something else. We are afraid of not belonging. Even when the whole social system is insane, we still fear to be excluded from it. Just yesterday I took my mom to Wal-Mart to exchange a new phone that didn't work. Now, before you shout hypocrite, recognize that in this small town Wal-Mart has already wreaked its damage, and Radio Shack was her only other choice. There was a line at the return counter, and it was a nice day, so I waited outside. On one bench sat a woman eating a sandwich, and on another sat a man smoking a cigarette. I often prefer the company of bushes to humans anyway so I sat on the curb near some imprisoned pyracanthias. Now here's the point: I could tell that those who walked by, especially Wal-Mart employees, were uncomfortable that I was sitting in an unauthorized spot. And I know the problem was where I was sitting: I didn't have unauthorized long hair, nor unauthorized body odor, nor unauthorized dirty clothes, nor was I frowning in some unauthorized manner. But I could feel that people wanted me to move, and consequently I could feel myself wanting to move, to get back in line. The feeling was almost overpowering.
 The same psychological pressures to conform would be at work were I instead poised at a mass media magazine rack, choosing between Soldier of Fortune, Penthouse, or Car and Driver. At the next level this pressure might cause me to stand with a chainsaw in my hand, pointing it at an ancient tree, or, in another circumstance, to aim a pistol at a Russian Jew kneeling beside a pit filled with writhing bodies. We should never underestimate the power of internalized social pressure to conform.
One of the smartest things the Nazis did was to coopt rationality, to coopt hope, to coopt short-term fear. At every step of the way it was in the Jews rational best interest to not resist: many Jews had the hope and this hope was cultivated by the Nazis that if they played along, followed the rules laid down by those in power, that their lives would get no worse, that they would not be murdered. They faced these questions: get an I.D. card, go to a ghetto, get into a cattle car or resist and possibly get killed. What happens when we ask ourselves the same questions? Would we rather get in the showers, or resist and risk getting killed?
The Jews who participated in the Warsaw Ghetto uprising including those who went on what they thought were suicide missions had a higher rate of survival than those who went along. Never forget that.
Here's something else important: A high-ranking security chief from South Africa's apartheid regime later told an interviewer what he had feared most about the rebel group African National Congress (ANC). He had not so much feared the ANC's acts of violence as he had feared that the ANC would convince the oppressed majority of Africans to disregard law and order, that is, to think and feel for themselves. Even the most powerful and highly trained security forces in the world would not, he'd said, have been able to stem that threat. When we come to see that the edicts of those in power carry no inherent moral or ethical weight, we become the free human beings we were born to be, capable of saying yes and capable of saying no.
 Remember that also.
 In the sixteenth century, ttiene de la Botie reminded us that when the powerful are insatiable, submission is fatal, that the more we submit ourselves to to the "law and order" of those in power, the more they will demand. He wrote that "the more tyrants pillage, the more they crave, the more they ruin and destroy; the more one yields to them, and obeys them, by that much do they become mightier and more formidable, the readier to annihilate and destroy. But if not one thing is yielded to them, if, without any violence they are simply not obeyed, they become naked and undone and as nothing, just as, when the root receives no nourishment, the branch withers and dies."
Sure, we are afraid. There is much to fear. But with a world being destroyed before our eyes, this belief that we have something to lose soon becomes an illusion. And the best guide I know to help lead me away from these illusions is my heart. Following my heart has never led me wrong.
 I think often of that grizzly bear, as I think, too, of the horses, cows, mice, chickens, geese, eagles, hawks, hummingbirds who have defended their loved ones. I think of the courage of bees who have flown at me, burrowed themselves into my hair to find a way to sting me, who have driven me away from their homes, at the inevitable cost of their lives. I think of the courage of salmon, who come back home year after year, who continue in the face of all that we are doing to them, or rather, all that we are allowing to be done to them.
 And I realize that before I can save them, I need to rely on them to save me, to teach me and help me remember what it is to love, what it is to step beyond my fears, what it is to act in defense of those I love.
 

I'm Cheating

I have a MILLION things I could be writing about.... like, the results of our week with no computer or play station, the projects that the kids and I are currently working on, the horrific PMS that I have... Instead, I am going to post the same thing that I just posted on facebook. This is for all of you that are not on facebook to see my ramblings :) Enjoy... 

Editor's Note: Please note that people DO change as they grow. My actions as a teenager aren't necessarily reflective of my adult activities =) 

My Musical Influences

Okay, so I was tagged to do this at least a month ago. I have spent the entire time thinking of my answers. You may not think that this would be very consequential, but music has deeply shaped my life. My responses are somewhat in chronological order of my musical awakening. Now, a little window into me....

Think of 15 albums, CDs, LPs (if you're over 40) that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dig into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the wazzoo, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others (or more!), including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill.


1) Beastie Boys - License to Ill
Yeah, I'm sure this will get a chuckle or two... I was 8. We were living in New York. This was during my mother's snake handling days so music was the devil. I was, however, blessed with a sister who was 8 years older than me & very rebellious. I can remember the first time she put the tape in. We were dancing around the house, doing our chores, to this album. I don't have too many vivid memories of my childhood, but the ones that are vivid (& good) involve music. I mainly remember the elation I felt with every beat. 

2) U2- Joshua Tree 
Christmas of 1987. I had just turned 9. This was my Tiffany/Debbie Gibson stage. I suppose Lisa @ 16 knew that I needed some real musical influence. She gave me this tape for Christmas (or was it my birthday?). I listened to that tape until I wore it out and it came apart. I *still* love this album. It evolves with me. 

3) The Doors - Soft Parade/Morrison Hotel 
Okay - it is really just one song off of Soft Parade. Again, I was in the 7-9 age range. I was not allowed to have anything to do with MTV (see #1 above). I would sneak it in the afternoon when I was home alone (or with my sis). I remember seeing the video for Touch Me. This is now one of my least favorite songs by The Doors, but at the time I was mesmerized by Jim Morrison. A few years later, when I was 12-13, my friend, Diz, rekindled my fascination with Jim Morrison when she played Morrison Hotel for me. I have been in love ever since. The man was a genius.....

4) The Beatles - White Album 
Moving on in the time continuum, I was in the 7th grade (12-13) when I discovered this tape in my sister's collection. I ganked it from her & never gave it back. I listened to this tape every night before I went to bed. It fit my angst beautifully at the time. 

5) Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here 
This was my first CD. It came my way when I was 13.5. This coincided with me watching The Wall with Diz. Again, the CD & the movie fit my angst & obsession with hallucinogens....

6) Jane's Addiction - can't narrow it down to one: Triple X, Nothing Shocking, Ritual de lo Habitual were all continuously playing & influential. Perry Farrell has a beautiful mind. This band helped me realize that I didn't have to fit into any mold but my own. Read "To The Mosquitoes" if you haven't already : http://janesaddiction.org/discographies/disc_details.phtml?discID=34

7) Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes 
Another introduction by Diz. I seriously owe so much of my musical awakening to that woman! Anyway, my clearest memory is of us wandering the streets of Diamond Springs, screaming Violent Femmes lyrics at the top of our lungs, namely "Blister in the Sun"

8) Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes 
I was at a raging house party when I heard "Silent All These Years" for the first time. It was on MTV (still can't remember why the friggin' TV was on at a party) and I made the people in the room shut up so I could hear the lyrics. So much of this song was reflective of my childhood, it moved me to tears. She is still one of my favorite female artists to this day. 

9) Nirvana - Never Mind 
Okay... I was 13 when this album came out. It rocked me. It introduced me to the world of punk, grunge, & teen angst. Need I say more? 

10) Pearl Jam - Ten 
I just loved Eddie Vedder's lyrics. It wasn't really the music that moved me. It was his voice and words that spoke to me. His music speaks to me today as well as his lyrics & voice. The man finally has it right.....

11) Cypress Hill - Cypress Hill/Black Sunday 
I know what you're thinking - say what? :) I was 12 when I heard their self titled album. It was just a different style of rap & it stuck out to me. I LOVED their beats. I was 13 to 14 years old when Black Sunday came out. Diz's parents were in the Navy. They both had a six month cruise over summer vacation & they left her home alone. We woke up every afternoon & put this album on as we made our breakfast.... 

12) Tom Petty - Full Moon Fever 
I'm random, I know... Back to summer of '92...and back to Diz... There was one night in particular that this tape was played over and over. I still love this album. It is just a great sing along album, even if I can't sing....

13) L7 - Bricks are Heavy 
This is when I discovered that women can kick ass & take names too. This opened me up to all kind of feminazi rockers. i ♥ Donita Sparks. 

14) Grateful Dead - American Beauty 
I was all kinds of late in my discovery of Jerry Garcia. I had *just* started to listen to them when Jerry died. This album, again played on repeat with psychedelic influences, opened up the doors to blue grass, phish & festivals. I am forever grateful.... 

15) Bob Dylan & Joan Baez 
Okay, I'm kind of cheating on this one by combining two artists. I am also stepping out of my chronological order as well. Prior to age 4. my mother listened to these two artists the most. Folk music was a HUGE influence in my life prior to Mom finding Jesus. I didn't realize the influence until I was 14 to 15 years old and started listening to each artist again on my own. It was this weird experience where I would be able to sing along with the lyrics although it was my "first" time hearing the song. I remember the day I discovered Bob Dylan's song "Sara". I called my mom all excited to ask if that was where she got my name from. Not so much... Anyway, I digress. I love both of these artists. They introduced me to the world of grass roots movements.....


Okay, this does it. Obviously this list does not encompass every single artist I love. There are SO many more: Dead Kennedy's, Soul Coughing, Bjork, etc. These, however, document my awakening to the world around me. Hope you have enjoyed this little window into my world... 

About that Sabbatical....

Okay, so Teddy took the play station away from Evan for a week without really consulting me first. Not that he has to - he's his parent too. It was just that I was going to do it in a little more smoother manner and it wasn't going to be as a punishment. This has botched my plans a little. My ability to procrastinate has been taken away from me (ha ha!). Furthermore, Evan is going to be CLAMORING to get it back in a week rather than enjoying his time away from the video games. Well... maybe not. Maybe if I make it fun he won't notice it's gone. Wow - that sounds like wishful thinking!

Teddy surprised the kids this morning with one of those throw rugs that has the town and roads on it. They are busy playing with matchbox cars on it and creating some type of pretend story line to go with it. They are currently occupied but I plan on introducing a few other ideas to them. Here they are...

1) Make a loaf of banana bread.
     Both Evan and Kaya have been enjoying their newfound love for cooking. I have been loving every minute of this because it allows me to bring math into our day to day without forcing the subject on them. I have learned SO much about their math strengths and weaknesses by observing them through this process. Evan (9), who attended public school for three years, has a REALLY hard time wrapping his brain around fractions. Kaya (5), who has never had any formal education, grasps the fraction concept very easily. I am realizing that Evan missed some logic development during his mathematical education in the public school setting. I have also observed that he clamors to give me the right answer rather than use logic to problem solve. We have been working on basic logic skills so we can get him over his hang-up of giving the "right" answer. 

2) Make a bird feeder. 

Spring is here. The children and I are ecstatic. This winter was particularly harsh for us having spent the last two winters in Phoenix, AZ. To make it all the more difficult, we have been a one car family since July. It would be days on end that it would just be too cold & wet to walk anywhere these last few months. We have truly had cabin fever. In the last three weeks, we have moved into our new place and have enjoyed some great and not so great weather that comes this time of year, especially here in Hampton Roads.  We have a really neat Holly Tree that is outside the Northwest side of our duplex. You get a great view of the treetop from the kids room and the bottom from the living room. There is a Mockingbird (or a cat bird - does anyone know if they are two different names for the same bird?) that lives in the tree. She is VERY territorial over the tree and its berries. Every so often though, the other birds invade. The other day we spotted five female blue jays! Anyway, I digress... I think it would be a great idea for the kids and I to construct a bird feeder  to place somewhere  away from the tree for the other birds. I'd like it to be at good place to view from the interior of our home so that way the cats can get some entertainment as well. The birds are a sure sign that spring is here and I want to embrace this :) 

3) Explore two new books. 

 Meet James a.k.a. Uncle Jimmy: 

This is Teddy's Uncle. He lives in Tucson, AZ. We became very close while we lived in Phoenix. James has never had any children. When Teddy and I first married, he told me about his Uncle who "hates kids". This made me anxious when we first had him for a visit in Phoenix. I am not one to put up with my children being treated in a ill manner, especially in THEIR home. Well, long story short,  he LOVED (and continues to love) our children. This was a metamorphosis that shocked Teddy and pleased me very much. We have all missed James very much since leaving Arizona. James has missed us as well. He has sent the kids two books in the last three months that are just out of this world. 

The first one he sent was "Make it Work! : Native Americans. The hands - on approach to history" 

The second book he sent was this one: 

The first book has multiple hands on activities on every page. I think that if we dive deep enough into this book, we could stay busy with it alone for two months. I am not expecting it to hold my children's attention exclusively though. The second book features a different jazz artist for each letter of the alphabet. I for one know NOTHING about these wonderful artists. I was thinking we could read the book, head to the library and see which CD's we can find by each artist. Again, depending on how enthralled the kids are, we could really dive deep in this book as well. 

Well, I could keep going, listing all of my ideas, but the children are done being occupied. Time to log off for the week! I'll let you guys know what the results are when we are done :) 

Wish me luck!! 

National Grammar Day

http://spogg.org

March 4th was national grammar day. Obviously, I am a week late; however, better late than never, as they say!

My grammar has become ATROCIOUS in the last few years. I blame it on the rapid-fire world of the internet. I no longer proof read prior to hitting send. I just type and go. This has resulted in a few minor embarrassments for me. I do believe I am going to brush the dust off my Little Brown Handbook and make an honest attempt to return to the proper grammar I once knew.

Perhaps you will too!

Taking a Sabbatical

Okay, so maybe I won't be signed off for THAT long... I am going to sign off for a week. I'm challenging my son to do the same - no electronics for either of us for an entire week. I want to see what all we accomplish and do together once our electrical vices are removed. I just haven't decided when this week will start. I am thinking I will start it tomorrow, but I may find that I need a little propaganda time to make it seem like a challenge to Evan rather than a punishment. Kaya really doesn't care much for video games or the computer so she will be easy to convince. Evan and I - well, that's a bit more challenging.

Our family has done this previously, with the TV, back in 2006. We went a week without any TV whatsoever. We found that we didn't miss it at all. Teddy and I accomplished more around the house. The children, Teddy, and I spent much more quality time together as well. The eventual result was us getting rid of cable first, then finally getting rid of our large family TV altogether. I don't think it will be realistic to think that this week free of electronics will result in us ridding ourselves of a computer or a playstation. I DO think it will help us realize the importance of limiting their day to day use. Well, this is my hypothesis at least.