A lot, I've come to find out.
I have been wrestling with sharing this story. On the one hand, I really don't want to incur people's judgement anymore than I already have in my life. I feel as though, by virtue of choosing a lifestyle very different from mainstream society, I am already under scrutiny from most people. I don't need to feel anymore judgment than I already do. On the other hand, I feel that I must share this story to help someone else who might find themselves in a similar position. Granted, this story is far from being over, but who knows how it might effect someone's own life later on?
So, here goes nothing.... Here is what
happened.
This whole event took place right after I had just participated in an
interview with Channel 13 news for the walk for disarmament. I had been actively participating in the walk's planning, meeting Sunday evenings with the rest of the core organizers, figuring out how to coordinate food, shelter, etc. I initially felt that I would not be able to directly participate because of my children. I didn't think they would be able to walk the mileage. After the first planning meeting, I realized that there would be a LOT of breaks and plenty of opportunity to leave the walk if the kids needed to. The kids and I were really excited and looking forward to participating.
I am always eager to have the children participate in activism whether it be cooking for
Food Not Bombs , participating in demonstrations, or helping with neighborhood cleanups, etc. Not only does activism feed my soul but it teaches both kids important life lessons. Life lessons like "not everyone knows where their next meal is coming from" or "not everyone will agree with you standing up for your beliefs". Most importantly, though, it teaches them that they have to do the work to make the changes they want to see in this world. I believe it is the best way to convey Margaret Mead's tried but true quote: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
My arrest, as the officer continually called it, devastated my outlook on participating. I was so shocked that this man deemed me neglectful for something as simple as leaving my kids in the car (which was in my line of vision the entire time). If this was seen as neglectful, how would officers view my children walking in the heat of summer along highways & holding vigils outside military bases? The arrest also did a number on my self esteem as a mom. Was I neglectful? Was it wrong to leave my almost 10 & 6 year olds in the car while I dropped videos in the slot of the door? The week of the 15th was busy for us personally so I didn't have a whole lot of time to dwell on it until the drive home from PA on the 21st. I became paralyzed with fear. What if I am found guilty? I will never be able to teach. What if I decide to walk and get arrested again? I decided it was best to opt out of direct participation. Sure, we'd provide food via Food Not Bombs. But walk? Not this time.
I can't describe how depressed this made me and how overwhelmed with negativity I became. How can I call myself an activist if I am not willing to put myself out there? On the other hand, how do I put myself out there and remain available for my children? They depend on me for guidance, love & nurturing. How fair would it be to them to have mom locked up for standing up in her beliefs? These questions are still bouncing around in my head. I imagine they will be for a long time.
I remained reclusive throughout the week of the walk until Thursday. The kids and I made two dishes for the walkers' dinner. That night, I met Sister Ardeth. Talk about an inspiration! This woman served 33 months for her
nonviolent civil disobedience. Everyone who spoke to me that night reassured me that there was nothing to fear & that I would be kept "safe" from any police officers trying to harass us. The kids and I listened to everyone's reflections of the walk thus far that week. All three of us were inspired. The fear left me as quickly as it had blanketed me. The kids and I would join them in any way that they were comfortable with. We joined everyone the next morning outside of the main Little Creek Amphibious Base gate on the corner of Little Creek Rd & Shore Dr. The kids and I participated in the first vigil of the day. I do believe it was 90 degrees by 9am that day. We had been all gung-ho about walking when we arrived at 8 am . That desire rapidly declined for the children as the hour progressed. Evan looked at me by the end of the vigil & said: "It would be nice to walk but I am just too hot". Although I was disappointed, I knew that I had to defer to the kids' comfort zone. They weren't comfortable so we weren't walking. There will be more demonstrations and marches in the future that we will have the stamina for. All things in due time.
As far as my court case goes, the arraignment is Wednesday. I looked at the
statute he charged me under. I don't believe he has met the burden of the law in order for me to be properly tried and found guilty. If the case isn't dismissed Wednesday by the prosecutor, I will ask that council be appointed & see if I qualify. If not, I will do whatever I need to do in order to obtain a lawyer. I want this case dismissed & my records expunged. I would also like to continue our activism without feeling this type of threat hanging over our heads.
