Blog no more

I am discontinuing this blog. Maybe one day I'll get around to writing again.

Rescued

Yesterday was a BAD day, horrible for reasons I am not going to get into right now. I managed to get by but nothing was going to make me laugh, that's for sure. Then, Kaya returned home from her Dad's and proved me wrong.

Kaya and I were brushing our teeth before bed. Our bathroom is next to the cat boxes. Our roommate Sheila has a dog named Ozzie who, from time to time, gets into the litter boxes (ew!). As Kaya and I were getting ready to brush our teeth, she said to me "We should label the cat boxes with Raz & Sassy's names so that way Ozzie will stay out." I laughed and asked if she thought the animals could read. She replied, "Yes, they read!!" to which I responded with more laughter. At this point, Kaya exasperatedly states, "Cats and dogs can read. Animals can read!" I see how serious she is and respond with, "You're right. Animals can read - we're animals and we can read. I must admit tho that I haven't seen cats and dogs reading books." This was it. I had pushed her over the edge. She placed her hands on her hips, rolled her eyes, and said, "Of COURSE they don't read books - they don't have opposable thumbs! They read LABELS!"

Giving Thanks

I want to write and acknowledge how damn fortunate and lucky I am. Back in 2000, I was working for Eagle Electric. One of the jobs that I spent a whole lot of time on was a custom multi-million dollar home on the Lynnhaven River in VB. I came into the job as it was transitioning from roughing in to trimming out. I worked on the job until it was done. As a result, I got to see the family move in with all of their opulent art and furniture in place. The house itself was a work of art and gorgeous but all of the things weren't captivating to me. The land captivated me. There was something to the energy of the place that I could never shake. The job ended for me in early spring 2001 yet I continued to dream of that house and that land for years to follow. At least two to three times a year, for the last ten years, I would dream that I was back at the house and a part of that land.
Imagine my surprise last June when a friend of mine invited me to help a friend of hers with a landscaping job at the same house. I shared my story about the house with her and accepted the offer to earn some money. This was only about a month after my husband had left the children and me. I was freaking out over what I was going to do to make ends meet. I was beyond grateful to get out there and earn extra money. The homeowner recognized me when I arrived to work. He and I talked about where life had taken me in the years that followed. I explained how I went from doing electrical work to earning a biochemistry degree from Virginia Tech to working in the eye and tissue donation industry to being a stay home homeschooling mom. I also explained to him that my future was uncertain as my husband had just left and I wasn't sure what I was going to do in the months to come. I worked out there a few times in June and then was invited back to work in July. This time the homeowner asked if I could work for him directly. After two months of a lot of stuff that I am not going to get into here, I began working about 16 hours a week for this family.
My mother made a tongue in cheek comment at the time that maybe they'd adopt me. In many respects, that's exactly what they did. They have 10 acres of manicured gardens - WAY too much for me to maintain by myself in 16 hours. It is enough to keep two people busy for at least 40 hours a week nine months out of the year. The homeowner's recently told me this: "We like you and we like what you do. If we're helping you accomplish your parenting goals by minimally employing you here, then we are happy to keep you working". I honestly don't know how I would have made it through the last six months if this family hadn't given me the work. One thing is certain: we would have had to go back to a more mainstream way of life. I more than likely would have had to put the kids back into public school. I cannot even begin to express how grateful I have been for this opportunity.

One little section of the land...

FaceBook: Cause & Solution to All of Our Problems

I have a burning desire to erase all of my content off of my facebook page and deactivate my account. For serious. Just be done with it. I like life. I like living life in REAL life. I feel like I could accomplish so much more if it were gone.

On the other hand...
I have so many people that I keep in touch with via facebook. FB becomes this pseudo connection for me with others, especially when I feel isolated during the winter. It's also how I keep on top of what's going on in a variety of movements and know when I need to help spread the word on pending issues.

Maybe I should just get rid of this profile and create one with the sole purpose of staying in touch with other activists ( especially my network here in VA). Hmmm... decisions, decisions.

WordPress: should I?

I've noticed that most blogs I read and follow are published through WordPress, which has me wondering... am I missing something? Is it a better tool than Blogger? What advantages exist that I am unaware of? It appears to me that Blogger is very user friendly whereas I can't seem to even find the option to develop a blog template on my WordPress account. So, to my friends who use WordPress over Blogger: what is it that you like about it? Please educate me =)

Killer Coke House

My home has become a collective house in the last two weeks. This part of our journey began back in September. The separation papers were finally signed and I knew I needed a roommate to be able to make the rent without going back to work full time. My good friend Susan suggested her friend Sheila. It was a match & Sheila moved in. A few months later, my friend (& kids' babysitter) needed a place. Sheila, the kids and I agreed that Becca could move into the sun room and she joined us the last week of January. We had our first house meal/meeting a week ago yesterday.
Us adults share the same world view. We believe in mutual aid, sharing our resources, and sharing in the household chores. We have lots of political posters and pamphlets around our house. One poster hanging is this one:

We also believe in allowing the kids to have a voice in the process. The five of us were bantering back and forth over what our house name should be during dinner the other night. We asked the kids for their input. Kaya energetically exclaimed, "I think we should call us the Killer Coke house!" We all busted out laughing and decided NOT to opt for that name - can't imagine how long before the DEA would come knocking ;-) In the meantime, the brain storming continues...

How To Be Alone

I figure after that wretched post this morning, I should follow up with something on a more positive note. Great, inspirational video =)

Sexting or Disrespect ?

I have a male acquaintance who I've been getting to know since October. We connect really well on a mental level. I find him attractive. So what's the issue? We don't share the same core values. He is a fervent capitalist. I'm not. He sees women as objects to fulfill his sexual desires. I see people for who they are - people. We talked about this last week. I have shared with him in the last few months my philosophy on clean love and honest seduction. He read the links then completely dismissed me. I brought it up again during our discussion. He dismissed me again. I told him that, although I love our conversations and find him attractive, I am not interested in taking our relationship any further. I can't connect on a physical level with someone who I don't feel respects my beliefs nor respect me for who I am. I didn't really get a response from him before he had to leave.

Now, this morning I received the following picture from him via text message:


NOTE: I removed the picture. This gives you an idea though...
This picture text came to me with no worded message. This is the first time he's contacted me since our conversation. I felt so disrespected when I opened this. This text message just validates my reasons for not getting involved with him. I know I'll laugh in a day or so, but for now I'm off to clean away my exasperation.

Transparency...

...feels good to me. What can I say? I find comfort in truth and clarity. Unfortunately, I am carrying a heavy weight that I have been asked not to share with others. I am filled with doubt and mistrust towards this person since they disclosed their situation to me (and promptly swore me to secrecy). I am not sure how to proceed and don't feel like I can really process it with anyone. I'm feeling rather overwhelmed and resentful at the moment. I don't feel certain in my next steps and I don't enjoy this feeling of impending darkness that seems to be lurking over me now.

Light & Dark

I was laying in bed with my daughter while she fell asleep tonight. I decided to dig into my old poetry more. I found two to share, one light and the other dark.
Here ya go....

Sage

old, magnificent
historic scents
through wintry blasts
or thunderous storms
still you have stood
so complex yet so simple
carrying the wisdom of generations

When the sun warms your rough texture
seeping into the cracks
engulfing the green
swelling your essence with life and warmth
a gaze in your direction
is all one needs
to feel at peace
energy of the ancients
radiate from your core
enigma abounds
what has blessed us with your beauty?


Dark

its presence blinds me
I protectively cover my face with my arms
squinting my eyes
I realize
the light is warm...

gentle...

calling my name
Slowly
lowering my arms
I bow my head
taking in the warmth

Engulfing
covering my body like a cocoon
I place my foot forward...
gently...
carefully...
treading where I never before dared to wander
I feel safe.

Suddenly
something is snapping at my back
at the backs of my ankles...
at the back of my mind

I turn
looking behind me
my safety is shattered
Darkness is surrounding me
bitter cold brushing my skin
phallic monsters begin to chase me
voices
Oh please save me from this hell
Will you cry when I die?
No.
Don't tell anybody....
Yes, I'll be there
Sorry I didn't show
Don't call me, Don't write me
NO! I don't want to!!

I stop running.

I remember

that is all behind me
I turn
It is calling me...
the light...
the safety...
the security...
Its presence blinds me no longer

Empower the Children

I've had a lot of feelings come up in the last week surrounding my children and how they are treated by various people in our lives. It has reminded me of this poem that I wrote in 1998. It's intensely personal yet I feel like I need to share it.

hello?
Hell-O?!
doesn't ANYBODY hear me?
you know, I may be short but I'm still here!
Remember me - the child you brought into the world?
why is it that nobody hears my voice?
"Children are meant to be seen, not heard."
I'm no less human because I am a child.

I think about things....
I wonder...
What if this is all a dream and I'm not even human - I'm a part of a different species.
I hope...
that my mom will leave Frank or that my Dad will come and rescue me.
I love...
my sister (protector) , my dog.
I fear...
crying myself to sleep, imagining living with Frank if my mother died.

See?
I have feelings too.
Please!
Just take the time to get to me know me,
the child.
Help give me a voice.

Believe in me,
Believe in the children.
Give us plenty of love,
Hug us,
Praise us
ask us about our feelings
This is all we need.
"Empower the children,
Empower the future"

Written for ALL children who are meant to be seen AND heard.